By Invitation Only

“Your own mind is a sacred enclosure into which nothing harmful can enter except by your promotion.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

If you can imagine your mind being the home of your thoughts, it is easy to see how negativity could be kept at bay. In our physical world, we keep our doors closed and only grant access to those we wish to invite in. By being selective of the people that walk into our homes, we are pro-active in creating a safe environment for ourselves and our families. We would not invite thieves and murderers in, and would only want to surround ourselves with friends we feel comfortable with.

Regardless of who might be hoping to get in, we have ownership of the door, and can choose who will enter. Whether the person is well meaning but inconvenient such as a salesman, or dangerous and unpredictable as an escaped convict, they will not be able to get in if we don’t open the door.

Of course, we also need to be careful we are not too eager to keep the door closed at all times, as occasionally even friends might visit us unexpectedly. Balance and objectivity are of importance, and the criteria used to choose can be very simple – we let in people we love, make us happy, or serve a purpose in our lives, and leave out those whose only object is to annoy, undermine or hurt us.

There is no reason we can’t treat our minds with the same respect we treat our homes. Whether negative thoughts, feedback or energy are generated within our minds, or are the result of external factors at work in our lives, we are not obligated to allow them in and give them license to affect the safety and peace of our inner abode. We can deal with them as we would deal with someone selling carpet cleaner door-to-door: thank you but no thank you. If we indeed let them in, and get trapped in a one-hour-long presentation of a worthless product, we can blame nobody but ourselves.

Is it different when the negative thoughts or patterns originate directly from us? Not necessarily. There are two levels to our mind - a superficial mind, which scans and processes surface clutter, and a deeper mind, which takes in what has filtered through. As thoughts rush through our minds, we must observe them and either accept them or discard them according to their value in our world. It is really a simpler task than one would imagine.

We have the power to choose what we allow in. If we don’t enforce our boundaries we should accept unwanted visitors with a smile, as we are the ones who opened the door and led them inside.

www.sandracarringtonsmith.com

House Guests

“Your own mind is a sacred enclosure into which nothing harmful can enter except by your promotion.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

It is amazing how many of us go to great lengths to ensure that nothing harmful will enter our homes, but we rarely worry about the negative influences that we allow to pass into our minds. Most of us have specific and unique requirements for the people we welcome through our doors – no improper language, no smoking, no muddy shoes on the carpet, no loud talk…the sky is the limit – and if these people go against our wishes when they come in as guests, we have the right to tell them they should modify their behavior. If they don’t, we clearly have the right to ask them to leave.

Access to our minds works the same way. Regardless of how much power we think someone around us might have, they do not own our minds – we do. As hard as it might be to “evict” them, we have the upper hand on the situation, and they cannot remain if we don’t give them permission to stay.

Very often we don’t think we have that power. People and negative thoughts come into our lives and make themselves at home, leading us to think they have the right to tell us how to feel or think. If we don’t push them out the door the moment we notice their presence, they insinuate into the closets of our minds and look for weak, unhealed spots; once they find them, they immediately recognize old hurts as allies and use them as nourishment to grow new seeds of self-doubt.

In order to begin the cleaning process, we must first stop the constant flow of unwanted junk. Once we are stabilized, we can finally concentrate on cleaning out the old which no longer serves us. Keeping out unwanted people and thoughts is easier than it seems. We envision horrible dramas unfolding, and family members and friends who no longer talk to us after we tell them what our expectations are; even worse, we assume we don’t have the strength to keep the intruders at bay, and it will be only a matter of time before they come barging through the door again. In reality, their power is just an illusion, and their tendency to be offended just because we ask for respect only highlights the fact that we don’t need them in our world.

It is okay to invite in people and thoughts different than those we normally entertain, but they should know the moment they walk across the threshold that their input will only be considered and not blindly accepted as unshakable truth. After all, when all is said and done, they come and go and leave us to pick up the pieces alone.

Choose wisely who and what you let in, and never be afraid to reclaim your space as your own. Your name is the only one on the lease agreement.

The Value of personal Boundaries

After so many years of being married to me, my husband takes some of my eccentricities with a grain of salt. One of the things he has come to accept is that I won’t kill anything – if I find an insect in my house, I carefully scoop it up with cup and paper and I take it outside. My take is that if it’s alive it has a purpose to exist, and I have no right to terminate whatever it is here to accomplish. Life is life regardless of its form.

This past summer, I spent a couple of weeks discouraging ants from coming into the house. After a little frustration and a few good old-timer tips, I finally succeeded. I even went as far as trying to save as many ants as I could and put them back outside, which my husband could only chuckle at. “You must be the only woman alive who worries about saving ants,” he told me one night after I spent several minutes trying to scoop up as many as I could from the dishwasher before running it. Too bad if some ended up drowning, but I couldn’t stand the thought of leaving them in there if I could do something about it.

To cut a long story short, the past week we’ve had new visitors. Although we spend $40 each month on flea-preventive medicine for our cats, something didn’t work, and a couple of determined fleas made it inside. Rabbits? I think people should use fleas as the totem animal for Easter – nothing reproduces any faster.

Unable to lure them outside in any other way, I finally gave in and fogged my house, killing all the fleas that had survived everything else. While I cleaned the house after the fogging, I thought about the extermination, and wonder how many tiny lives had succumbed to the killer fog. Craziest thing was that I was the one who had “pulled the tab” on the cans.

That led me to think about the importance of preserving personal space and setting boundaries. By setting personal boundaries, we create limits for how others act and speak in our presence. They are not designed to isolate us, but rather to keep out behavior we can’t accept in our personal space.

After we identify what our personal boundaries are, we need to make sure we express them clearly and consistently, without worrying too much about others being upset by the scale of their rigidity. People get most upset when they DON’T know what their friends’ boundaries are, rather than when they know. Once they are aware of their limits, they can relax and not worry that their words or actions might offend anyone. A lack of personal boundaries - or communication of them to the other party - can only lead to strained relationships.

Of course, it would have been impossible to explain my boundaries to the fleas, so I had to resort to more drastic measures, but as long as two individuals speak the same language, there is no reason why anyone would need to silently endure.

Defining Our Boundaries

“The purpose of having boundaries is to protect and take care of ourselves. We need to be able to tell other people when they are acting in ways that are not acceptable to us. A first step is starting to know that we have a right to protect and defend ourselves, and we are responsible for how we allow others to treat us.” ~ Robert Burney

It wasn’t until a few years ago that I learned the importance of setting well defined personal boundaries. It all started when one of the employees at a local metaphysical store gave my phone number to a young man – severely distressed and suicidal - who was seeking spiritual counseling.

I immediately became fascinated with the case at hand, and made the mistake of giving out my home number, in case this gentleman hit a particularly low point and needed to talk. In no time at all he began to call my house at all hours of the day and night. Although he knew I had a family to take care of, he continued to call until I set my foot down and told him that if he needed to stop calling after 5:00 pm, or he would need to find someone else to talk to. He had no choice but reluctantly accept my new terms, which resulted in more productive sessions and tangible results once he began to make the most of the minutes he had available to work things through.

Setting up personal boundaries means that sometimes we have to disappoint others in their expectations. Feeling that we are displeasing others can be extremely hard, as we are conditioned to mirror our self-worth in the way we are perceived by external sources. It is relatively easy to start setting boundaries in relationships that don't mean much to us - it is in the relationships that mean the most to us that it is so difficult. A part of us might not feel worthy, feels defective and shameful, and is terrified of setting boundaries for fear everyone will leave.

It is important to communicate our boundaries in a “no blame” fashion. It is equally fundamental to be honest in stating how we feel. If someone asks us to feed their cat and we really don’t want to do it, we should say that we regret not being able to help, without feeling the need to justify our refusal. Lack of creating healthy boundaries often results in a struggle with resentment, as we no longer feel we own our choices

While we should respect others in their decisions, others must respect us in ours. Setting personal boundaries is not a threat, but merely a way of showing the world what we deem acceptable and what we consider over the line. If some choose to overstep that line, it is perfectly acceptable for us to remove ourselves from the relationship, or negotiate other consequences, as we can’t tell others how they should live their lives, but we can choose how we will live ours.

Setting boundaries is our first step on the journey of self-respect. Should we expect others to honor our value when we can’t even do so ourselves?