When Our Relationship is Only a Band-Aid (repost)

“Don't smother each other. No one can grow in the shade.” ~Leo Buscaglia

Just a few days ago my mother was excitedly telling me of the cruise she and my father are going on to celebrate their fiftieth wedding anniversary coming up in October. The moment I hung up the phone, a friend stopped by, and I shared the happy news with her. My friend sighed and asked what their secret is.

Indeed, there is no secret to having a long, healthy relationship, but a good dose of self-love and respect are certainly key ingredients toward its longevity.

Too often, people embark on relationships to fill inner voids they are unable to satisfy on their own. Because of the burst of energy directed at them by the new partner, they feel renewed, happy and fulfilled. However, as soon as the “newness” wears out – and each person in the game feels comfortable in showing their true colors – the band-aid relationship is defunct.

If people approach a relationship as a whole, their communion is one of equal exchange. No issues of control get in the way, because each person is self-confident and doesn’t need a daily shot of reassurance. On the contrary, when someone approaches a new relationship as a half - and hopes someone else will make them whole by supplying a substitute for the self-love they were lacking in the beginning - the end result is often a sad one.

In the early days of the relationship, when both parties float on the wings of infatuation, each of them is feeding the other person a great deal of energy - the energy flows back and forth and keeps both fulfilled and secure. As days go by, and the level of comfort grows, the amount of energy fed to the other person naturally decreases. Suddenly, the whole is split back in two halves, and each is loudly demanding its fix to feel complete. As the half is starved of its daily dose, old patterns of doubt and fear that were temporarily deactivated are triggered back into action; subconsciously terrified at the thought of being cut off from the energy supply, the person being ignored initiates conflicts to trigger at least a flow of negative energy. Their aggressive approach turns the other person off even more, with the result of a complete shut-off. After a few unsuccessful and pained exchanges, the relationship dies.

We often mistake our fear of being alone with love. Some fear losing others, through death or otherwise, because they are afraid no one will be there to take care of them; other people fear losing loved ones because they need to take care of someone else. Being needed creates a gateway for energy to flow. Either way it's about control, which originates from the ego, not from the soul.

We need to fall in love with ourselves, before we fall in love with others, and know that we are worthy of our own respect and happy being with ourselves. Until we enjoy our own company, we shouldn’t expect others to pick up our slack.

On a Journey to Learn

“Here is a test to find out whether your mission in life is complete. If you're alive, it isn't.” ~ Richard Bach



I have always believed that our souls come to Earth to learn certain lessons.

In the last couple of decades there has been a tremendous amount of speculation over “life contracts” – do we choose our lives, our parents, who we are? Do we pick the type of body we will inhabit and the socio-cultural circumstances we are born into?

Many struggle understanding why certain things happen; why children get sick and die, why we find ourselves stuck in certain predicaments – how could we possibly have chosen any of those trials?

Indeed it is hard to accept that any decision on our part is partly responsible for our falls, and it’s even harder to accept that a loving God could allow some of senseless suffering we and others go through, but if one can momentarily entertain the thought that life contracts are a possibility, the whole concept becomes suddenly easier to grasp.

We don’t choose to be sick, to be poor or abused, and no god is evil enough to bestow those tragedies upon us. However, since certain life circumstances can facilitate learning a specific lesson better than others, it only makes sense that our soul stipulates an earthly contract based on what still needs to be learned. Once the choice of lesson is made, Universe arranges our stay and “books” us on a trip filled with unique experiences tailored exclusively for our learning. We state the soul need, and Universe takes care of the details of the journey.

Every situation is as different as are the lessons that must be learned, and because of it, no generalization can possibly be made.

It’s also important to note that the mission of a soul may simply be that of supporting another soul – a sick child might only stay for a short while to teach parents the meaning of true love and the importance of living day by day; living in a crippled body might teach someone to accept their true-selves; poverty might teach someone how to be humble.

The possibilities are too numerous to list, but what is truly interesting in some cases, is that if one is able to identify a lesson through the patterns, a new route can be mapped to reach destination minus part of the suffering.

Lessons Come in Many Packages

"There is no such thing in anyone's life as an unimportant day." ~ Alexander Woollcott




If anyone asked, I’m certain my children would have replied that yesterday was not a special day – a list of chores was awaiting all of us in preparation of our upcoming vacation and the beginning of school.

The boys were requested to clean their rooms and one bathroom each, vacuum and organize the toys in the playroom. Most of the chores were attended with little fuss, but when it came to the bathrooms they instantly began to drag their feet.

Instantly switching to drill sergeant mode, I told them they had to fulfill their tasks or else. I don’t expect perfection, but a piece of cardboard and an orphan bottle cap can hardly be defined part of the décor, so I made them go back a few times to clean what they had left behind; needless to say, they generously huffed and puffed the whole time.

I also made them help their little sister with her chores, and bring a stick of butter to an old neighbor – by the end of the day, they told me I would have done well as a slave owner. By the time their father got home, and asked how their day was, they both said their day was boring and mom was mean as a hornet, to which, of course, my husband replied that some day they will be thankful that mom didn’t allow them to slack off.

My oldest son thought about it for a moment and turned toward his brother. “He’s right” he said, “I’ve actually learned something cool today”. My jaw dropped at this point, although I tried very hard to pretend I was eating. My husband asked what he learned, and Stephen said: “I saw that as a team we get things done quickly, and mom’s critique showed me that my job wasn’t done right - once I start something I need to finish it. And I also learned that it is okay to stop what I’m doing to help someone else who’s smaller or needy.”

I wasn’t even pretending to eat any more. I was so surprised at my son’s wisdom that I didn’t care if I looked like a deer in the headlights at that moment. He was right. An ordinary day – and a hard and boring one at that – had turned into a learning experience.

Every day is a new page in the book of life, and by going through the motions of our routines we learn things we take for granted.

In one day of cleaning, my sons learned the meaning of compassion helping a neighbor in need and their little sister; they learned the power of teamwork; they learned they should never leave a job until it is completely done; most of all, they learned that a good lesson can hide behind the most boring of tasks.

They also learned that mom can be a slave driver at times, but that’s a story for another day.