The Teacher Who Came Dresses as a Monster

“A great teacher is like a candle – it consumes itself to light the way for others.” ~ Author unknown


A few months ago, I read somewhere that the two greatest teachers of compassion the world has ever seen are Hitler and the Dalai Lama. Being a huge fan of the Dalai Lama but personally not too sold on Hitler, this statement struck me as strange – how could anyone compare a holy man whose life purpose is to spread peace and compassion, to a military figure whose intent seemed to be one fed by hatred?

The question hovered around my thoughts the whole day, until that night when one of my children misbehaved, and I had no choice left but punish him by not letting him attend an event he had his heart set on. Now, if you were a fly in my house, you would know that my two boys argue over anything under the sun, and sometimes even about something above it; any chance they have to get the other in trouble they jump on it like a cowboy on a horse. But, this time, one brother had gotten in trouble all on his own, with no trickery necessary, so the natural order of things was upset.

Suddenly, one would have thought that I had given an innocent man a death sentence – not just one kid was mad at me…they all were, including Morgan who normally gets stumped by her big brothers and thrives on seeing them get what they deserve! Never had I seen so much love and compassion among my kids as I saw that night – they talked kindly to one another, and went overboard with small pleasantries that were, until that fateful day, a mother’s wishful thinking.

That’s when the meaning of that statement made it home. Certainly Hitler and the Dalai Lama are very different people, and they affect others in their own unique ways, but the teaching behind their actions is similar in the end – one inspired the world to feel compassionate toward people who had suffered from his heinous acts, while the other inspired his followers to be compassionate because compassion is part of the truth our collective soul must embrace.

We are conditioned to think of a teacher as someone who will lead through knowledge and wisdom alone, but sometimes teachers come masked in strange clothes. And, oddly enough, we tend to learn more, and much more quickly, since our attention is instantly seized from explosive events and actions. It might take us a lifetime to learn to appreciate a sunrise, or a kind smile, but if we find out our days are threatened by illness, that awareness will surface with light speed, as we feel we don’t have any time to lose.

Before going to bed that night, I thought again about the comparison between the two men, and about my children instantly pulling together after one was “too harshly” punished. In my children’s situation, anger and resentment toward the external force that had thrown one of their own into the dungeon, had caused them to choose love over sibling rivalry. I closed my eyes, feeling satisfied; though in their eyes I had momentarily morphed into Hitler, they had embraced the qualities of the Dalai Lama I admire so much. Only for one evening, mind you, but that was good enough for me.


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Three Simple Words

“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” ~ Mahatma Gandhi


A few weeks ago, I was talking to a friend about the problems she had with her mother in the past. Knowing the mother, I could completely understand where she was coming from, yet one thing was as clear as spring water – even if her feelings were justified, my friend was not happy.

The discontent began when Sharon – the name is fictitious to protect her identity - was a small child; likely, it probably goes back even further, but her memories of times past only regress to a certain point, right around the time when she was about five years old.

Her mother was a victim of her own choices. After marrying young to escape abusive parents of her own, she had become pregnant with Sharon when she was only nineteen, and had almost immediately found herself trapped; with a much older and controlling husband, and a daughter to care for, the poor woman was stuck in a role she despised. She had dreams when she was young, and many times, when she finally laid her head down at night, she could shut out the world and live the life she wished she could have.

Her disappointment toward life turned into anger first and in control over her daughter’s life. Sharon had no choices; her mother made them all for her. That kind of smothering control triggered the opposite approach to parenting in Sharon. Terrified of growing into her mother, she had chosen to be a friend only and couldn’t bring herself to discipline her own daughter. As her daughter quickly began descending a vicious spiral of occasional drug use and bad company at sixteen years of age, her maternal instinct nudged her to take control of the situation, but her past experiences blocked her from taking charge. Indirectly, her mother was still controlling her. Sharon knew it was time to make some changes.

She felt like she hated her mother even more now, and she held her responsible for her own daughter’s poor choices. She ranted over the older woman’s mistakes almost two and a half decades earlier, and the first words out of her mouth were in regard of the fact that her mother had ruined her life first and she was now working on her granddaughter. That’s where I had to stop her – her mother, wrapped into her own anger, might have been abusive in the beginning, but now she was the one picking up where her mother had left off. It was time to let go of past resentments and focus on present problems.

Letting go was hard, as by letting go of the chokehold her mother had her in she felt she was condoning her actions. It never occurred to her that by forgiving her mother she was not letting the old lady off the hook, but she was allowing herself to finally be free from the influences of the past.

She finally did. About a week ago, she went to visit her mother and told her about the feelings she had fostered all these years. In return, her mother explained her own feelings toward her and asked to be forgiven. Sharon could not utter words of forgiveness, until her mother broke down and said: “Don’t make the same mistakes I made. I can’t change what happened when you were a little girl, but you can change what will happen to your daughter.”

Sharon went home and thought about the events of late. Her mother was right – no amount of anger, of resentment or justification could change the past, but maybe there was hope for the future. She picked up the phone and called her mother. “I forgive you,” she said, nothing else; then she hung up. Those three words suddenly lifted the weight she had carried on her back all her life, and removed the blinders from her own eyes. When her daughter got home that evening, she called her into the living room and they had a long talk. The daughter half-way listened and then got up to prepare to go out with her friends, but Sharon stopped her before she could walk out of the room. “Not tonight,” she said, “tonight you’re staying home.”

Sharon was free. Forgiving her mother didn’t make her accept her mother’s ways, but it gave her an edge to stop those behaviors from affecting her present life and her parental skills. Unknowingly, she had found the key to come into herself.

Lessons Come in Many Packages

"There is no such thing in anyone's life as an unimportant day." ~ Alexander Woollcott




If anyone asked, I’m certain my children would have replied that yesterday was not a special day – a list of chores was awaiting all of us in preparation of our upcoming vacation and the beginning of school.

The boys were requested to clean their rooms and one bathroom each, vacuum and organize the toys in the playroom. Most of the chores were attended with little fuss, but when it came to the bathrooms they instantly began to drag their feet.

Instantly switching to drill sergeant mode, I told them they had to fulfill their tasks or else. I don’t expect perfection, but a piece of cardboard and an orphan bottle cap can hardly be defined part of the décor, so I made them go back a few times to clean what they had left behind; needless to say, they generously huffed and puffed the whole time.

I also made them help their little sister with her chores, and bring a stick of butter to an old neighbor – by the end of the day, they told me I would have done well as a slave owner. By the time their father got home, and asked how their day was, they both said their day was boring and mom was mean as a hornet, to which, of course, my husband replied that some day they will be thankful that mom didn’t allow them to slack off.

My oldest son thought about it for a moment and turned toward his brother. “He’s right” he said, “I’ve actually learned something cool today”. My jaw dropped at this point, although I tried very hard to pretend I was eating. My husband asked what he learned, and Stephen said: “I saw that as a team we get things done quickly, and mom’s critique showed me that my job wasn’t done right - once I start something I need to finish it. And I also learned that it is okay to stop what I’m doing to help someone else who’s smaller or needy.”

I wasn’t even pretending to eat any more. I was so surprised at my son’s wisdom that I didn’t care if I looked like a deer in the headlights at that moment. He was right. An ordinary day – and a hard and boring one at that – had turned into a learning experience.

Every day is a new page in the book of life, and by going through the motions of our routines we learn things we take for granted.

In one day of cleaning, my sons learned the meaning of compassion helping a neighbor in need and their little sister; they learned the power of teamwork; they learned they should never leave a job until it is completely done; most of all, they learned that a good lesson can hide behind the most boring of tasks.

They also learned that mom can be a slave driver at times, but that’s a story for another day.

The Child Who Was Saved From Himself

"When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place." ~ Unknown

Everyone who knows me well also knows that I have three children by birth, and one by soul connection. The latter is the grandson of one of my dearest friends, and somehow, he has always been like a son to me.

As a child, he has always been overly controlled by his mother, and grew up despising authority in every form – in his mind, rules are synonymous of control, and he won’t have any of it. After being crushed most of his young life he finally hit the infamous teen years, and decided he was done with it.

From that day on, he rebelled against everything, and came into constant conflicts with his mother. Suddenly, the subdued little child turned into a punk teenager, ready to fight anyone who got in his way. After he ran away from home several times, his mother decided she was done with him too, and practically threw him out on the street - not before telling him one final time that he would never amount to anything in his life.

He found shelter at his grandparents’ home, and although the original adjustment was a bit rough for all involved, they all finally settled into a living arrangement everyone was comfortable with. During one of the crisis, I told my friend how much I admired her efforts, and her only reply to me was: “Regardless of how he is behaving now, he is my grandson, and I love him.”

Somehow, rather than being swept into the drama of the current situation, she and her husband kept their focus on what was truly important. At the time his mother threw him out, he was a child slightly older than fifteen, freshly dropped out of high-school, with no car, no money, and no job; he was certainly not able to care for himself.

My friend and her husband accepted him for who he is. They never tried to change him, and showed him that love is powerful enough to rise above differences of style or opinion. They both knew that he was at risk of running away again, and would have easily become another face on the list of missing children.

I know there were many times my friend was ready to give up, but if she hadn’t hung on, she would have missed the opportunity she finally had to see her beloved grandson graduate high-school; if she had given up on him, she never would have heard of his current plans to attend culinary school.

When her boy was lost, she turned off her immediate vision of the obvious, and focused instead on the light she knew still existed in him. She fed that tiny light a little each day, until it grew and strengthened on its own. Although her eyes showed her a little ugly duckling, through her heart she saw the beautiful swan hiding within.

She held on to her vision, and allowed time and love to take care of the rest. And a child was saved from himself.

It's His Fault!

“You must take personal responsibility. You cannot change the circumstances, the seasons, or the wind, but you can change yourself. That is something you have charge of.”~ Jim Rohn


There are many times in the life of a mother when she wants to look at her children and lovingly say “I told you so.” Yesterday was one of those fatidic moments for me.

We have recently adopted a kitten, and although I have repeatedly told my daughter that the kitten is not a toy - and should only be picked up occasionally - my opinion in the matter seem to quickly evaporate the moment the words escape my lips.

Yesterday morning, she was on a mission to get the cat to sit on the counter beside one of her stuffed animals; when she put him down, the kitten tried to escape and she grabbed him quickly – too quickly.

The cat slipped off the counter and instinctually tried to hold on to anything he could as he fell. Unfortunately for her, Morgan happened to be the only thing in his way before he reached the floor.

The result was a deep gash on her hand, as the kitten’s claws dug into her skin and ripped a four-inch path on it. Of course, Morgan could not see her part of responsibility in the unfolding of the situation that had just occurred. According to her, the kitten – who had been until five minutes before the sweetest cat on earth – was now “stupid” and had hurt her on purpose. Although I tried to explain that the kitten had scratched her by accident as he was falling, she would hear no reasons.

More often than not, many of us entirely blame others when something happens, even when we are partly at fault. It is easier to get angry at someone else than it is to get angry at ourselves, regardless of the fact that we might have facilitated the process, if only by enabling the actions of others.

By assuming responsibility for our part, we fear the spotlight of judgment will instantly shine on us, and expose our weaknesses for all to see. Yet, self-accountability is necessary if one hopes to break the chain. Without accepting that a change of perception is needed within ourselves, we will continue to walk blindly into the same mistakes, and will perpetually stumble into the very same rocks we tripped on before.

Each time we point a finger at someone, it wouldn’t hurt to acknowledge that the rest of them are pointing back to ourselves.

Discipline: The Building Block of a Functional Society

The main goal of discipline is to teach children self-control and remind them that there are natural consequences to their actions: by repeatedly associating an unpleasant consequence to an unwanted behavior, the children are able to learn the difference between what is acceptable and what is not.

In generations past, the rearing of children was stricter when compared to the standards our society lives by today, and most of those children grew into responsible and creative adults.

Today, in an era of psychological expertise aimed at telling parents how they should raise their children, parents don’t know how to act any more. A new school of thought teaches that parents should praise their children for good behavior and not discipline them; because all children thrive on praise and acceptance, if rewarded for the good actions, they will try to repeat those behaviors to earn even more positive attention.

Yet, our youth is not thriving. Juvenile crime rates are rising at frightening speed, and our children are caught in a spiral of self-destruction.

As parents are losing their grip on the ability to keep things under control, and feel that society is promoting a new generation of weeping, uncontrolled criminals, new fundamentalist groups are sprouting like poisonous mushrooms on a field. Michael Pearl, the minister who advises parents to beat their children with plastic plumbing supply line, is only one of the radical advocates of parental rights who, sadly, appeal to the weary and frightened parents who no longer know where to turn.

So, parents ask, is there a right way to raise happy children who will become well adjusted, productive adults?

One of the main things to remember is that our children are being raised in a world dominated by societal and peer pressure, and parental skills are compared to those exhibited by theatrical parents on TV sitcoms. Those forever smiling television parents-always available and never losing their cool-are not real and it is unfair to use them as a scale to measure real life parents, who are weighed down by financial burdens and tighter schedules.

Also, the demands on children are doubling with each passing day, as they are expected to behave like pint size adults in a society which no longer allows children to be children.
If a child is rambunctious, he or she is quickly diagnosed as having ADD or ADHD, and is medicated to numb the excess energy which no longer has an outlet through creative play and physical activity.

In the old days, children were able to go outside and play from sunrise to sunset, and were therefore allowed to use the endless supply of energy that they are naturally equipped with. In today’s world, children are increasingly kept inside and forced to channel their energy into indoor entertainment, often with the result of living their childhood through the virtual adventures of video games characters.

With that said, it is important to understand that discipline is just as important today as it was yesterday, and children need limits and boundaries that will control their natural tendency to go overboard.

There has to be a balance of praise and moderate discipline, so that the child will feel loved, accepted and appreciated, but will also understand what areas of behavior need improvement.As parents, we have the responsibility of maintaining the reins of this balance, if we ever hope to set the building blocks of a functional society.