Living One Life at a Time - A Reflection Upon Allowing Others to Make their Own Mistakes

“Letting go doesn't mean we don't care. Letting go doesn't mean we shut down. Letting go means we stop trying to force outcomes and make people behave. It means we give up resistance to the way things are, for the moment. It means we stop trying to do the impossible--controlling that which we cannot--and instead, focus on what is possible--which usually means taking care of ourselves. And we do this in gentleness, kindness,
and love, as much as possible.” ~ Melody Beattie


I read a wonderful article on the News & Observer yesterday, in which a mother described how hard it had been for her to allow her children to work on their projects without becoming involved, even if it meant that the projects turned out far from perfect.

Their journey began a few years before, when they joined a series of free kids workshops offered by Home Depot. After the first workshop, the mother was not too sure things had gone as well as she had hoped – little fingers were smashed, the bird house the kids had built was falling apart, and clothes were ruined by wood glue – yet, as time passed, the kids learned important skills.

The hardest thing during the workshops, the mother explained, was to sit back and watch the kids make mistakes without intervening; the greatest lesson, she realized, had been her own – it didn’t matter if the projects weren’t perfect; what mattered was that the children were learning how to read instructions and use tools more efficiently. Mom’s input was not needed.

Allowing others to make their own mistakes is probably one of the greatest challenges we can ever face. Especially in the case of people we love, we wish we could live their lives for them when we feel they are not doing a good job of it on their own, so that we could “fix” their mistakes and help them live a happier existence.

Each of us has a different path to follow, which is not always for others to understand. Even if all we find at the end of the path we chose is misery, we have the right to make those mistakes and learn from them.

Letting go of the control we wish to have on the lives of others is, in many ways, synonymous of letting go of judgment. We can’t expect to understand the many reasons behind the choices others make, just as we can’t truly know what is best for them; all we can do is accept their choices as their own right, and move on with our own lives. We can only live one life at a time – ours or other people’s.

We can’t control the way someone else feels or acts, but we do have ownership on whether we allow their choices to affect our immediate world. By focusing less on what others do, and more on what we choose for ourselves, we can grow in ways we didn’t think possible, and the weight we carry for them is suddenly lifted.

We can’t change others, but we can change ourselves. And by letting others follow their own destiny we might be pleasantly surprised in the end.

Anatomy of a Mistake

“I have heard that an eagle misses 70 percent of its strikes. Why should I expect to do better? And when he misses, does he scold himself, I wonder, for failing at the task?” ~Sophy Burnham

According to the Encarta Dictionary, the word ‘mistake’ has the following meanings:

1. Incorrect act or decision: An incorrect, unwise, or unfortunate act or decision caused by faulty judgment or a lack of information
2. Error: Something in a piece of work that is incorrect.
3. Misunderstanding: A misunderstanding of something
4. By mistake: Accidentally, without wishing or intending to do something.

None of the above definitions state that a mistake is an act we commit intentionally, yet as individuals and as a society we tend to beat ourselves and others for actions that were merely the product of a temporary lack of judgment.

Our first reaction when we slip and make a mistake is to lash out at others, as we attempt to subconsciously justify their dissatisfaction with our conduct - by making our loved ones angry we relieve some of the pressure guilt is imposing on our bruised ego. Our mind tells us that we have done wrong - and that we don’t deserve acceptance - and as we seek to self-punish we further isolate ourselves and increase our vulnerability, thus making it possible for us to self-sabotage and make more mistakes.

Making mistakes is a side-effect of being human, and needs to be accepted as part of our growth. Nobody intentionally wishes to do wrong, and since early childhood, our greatest wish is to please others and connect with them; things happen, sometimes, beyond the sphere of our control, as our mindset can be easily influenced by hidden triggers in our subconscious.

We can’t always stop ourselves from making mistakes, but we can prevent ourselves from believing that hope is lost just because we have stumbled. Mistakes are a great gauge to measure how far we have come, and an irreplaceable tool to determine the stability of the path we are following.

Beating ourselves up for our mistakes will not erase our past actions, nor will it help us rectify our future ones. On the contrary, acceptance that it is okay to slip allows us to take stock of our losses and create a new course of action starting from now. Falling is not synonymous of failure; it just means that we stumbled on an obstacle we didn’t see in the darkness of the moment. Once we turn on the light and acknowledge the fact that no human is perfect, it will be easier to resume our journey without the burden of unnecessary expectations.

Forgiveness and healing can certainly go two-ways, but the door must first be unlocked from within. No one can fully forgive us until we can find the strength to forgive ourselves.

When Our Mistakes Become Who We Are

“Just because you make a mistake doesn’t mean you are a mistake.” - Georgette Mosbacher


A few days ago I had an interesting conversation with a lady I met through a friend. She was telling me about her failed marriage, and said that after many years of enduring verbal and emotional abuse she finally decided to count her losses and leave.

It took her so long, she said, because her children were young and she was afraid of not being able to financially weather the separation. She had gone to college before meeting her husband, and had dropped out when she had become pregnant with her first daughter. After that, she had been a stay-at-home mom, and her children had been the light of her existence. She stated that being a mom had been the only thing she knew how to do.

I looked at her in surprise – certainly there has to be something else she is good at and likes to do. When I told her that, her eyes filled with tears. She said that no matter how hard she tries she is a failure by nature. That chilled my blood. Her husband had pointed out her mistakes so often that she had come to believe she could do nothing right. She believed she is the mistake.

After being exposed so long to the verbal attacks, her mind had looked for a reason to justify the abuse, and had come to accept that she deserves it somehow. She felt incapable, unattractive and helpless, regardless of the fact that she is a beautiful and skilled woman.

As we delved deeper into the conversation, she volunteered a little more information – her father had also been quite verbally abusive. She knew he always loved her but had never really accepted that she was different than he.

Her wounds had been patiently etched into the core of her self-worth over time, and at the hands of multiple people. There was a pattern at work here, and I wondered if she was even aware of it. By assuming that her father was right in his criticism – after all he loved her and wouldn’t lie to her, would he? – she had come to accept that she was unworthy of his love. Feeling subconsciously guilty of causing her father unneeded grief, she had sought to continue the punishment he had “lovingly” inflicted on her by marrying a man who was similar to him.

When I pointed out the similarity, she was genuinely surprised and oddly recharged. She asked if I made mistakes often, to which I could only smile - If mistakes were a monetary fund I could easily be set for retirement. Yet, learning from my mistakes has led me to be the person I am today, and I wouldn’t change them for anything.

Mistakes don’t define our character but rather display the mechanisms we use in response to challenges. Someone once said that the worst mistake is our fear of making mistakes, as being afraid to fail will prevents us from trying. Actions can be a mistake, not people. I hope that someday she will be strong enough to see that.

Soul healing: Moving the blocks

With the advent of a new wave of thought concerning the association between mind and soul, a new place of prominence has been given to the word "forgiveness". Our whole life, we have been conditioned to believe that by forgiving a painful action we are forfeiting our right to receive human or cosmic justice. Nothing is further than the truth. Real forgiveness does not imply that we let the insensitive acts of others off the hook; it simply means that we no longer allow them to run our life. In the greater scheme of things, we are our own worst enemy, and the first step toward forgiveness must be directed within ourselves. Only by embracing the relief that comes with forgiving ourselves for our flaws, mistakes and shortcomings, we will ever truly be able to start the wonderful journey toward successful inner healing.