When Our Relationship is Only a Band-Aid

“Don't smother each other. No one can grow in the shade.” ~Leo Buscaglia


Just a few days ago my mother was excitedly telling me of the cruise she and my father are going on to celebrate their fiftieth wedding anniversary coming up in October. The moment I hung up the phone, a friend stopped by, and I shared the happy news with her. My friend sighed and asked what their secret is.

Indeed, there is no secret to having a long, healthy relationship, but a good dose of self-love and respect are certainly the key ingredient toward its longevity.

Too often, people embark on relationships to fill inner voids they are unable to satisfy on their own. Because of the burst of energy directed at them by the new partner, they feel renewed, happy and fulfilled. However, as soon as the “newness” wears out – and each person in the game feels comfortable in showing their true colors – the band-aid relationship is defunct.

If people approach a relationship as a whole, their communion is one of equal exchange. No issues of control get in the way, because each person is self-confident and doesn’t need a daily shot of reassurance. On the contrary, when someone approaches a new relationship as a half - and hopes someone else will make them whole by supplying a substitute for the self-love they were lacking in the beginning - the end result is often a sad one.

In the early days of the relationship, when both parties float on the wings of infatuation, each of them is feeding the other person a great deal of energy - the energy flows back and forth and keeps both fulfilled and secure. As days go by, and the level of comfort grows, the amount of energy fed to the other person naturally decreases. Suddenly, the whole is split back in two halves, and each is loudly demanding its fix to feel complete. As the half is starved of its daily dose, old patterns of doubt and fear that were temporarily deactivated are triggered back into action; subconsciously terrified at the thought of being cut off from the energy supply, the person being ignored initiates conflicts to trigger at least a flow of negative energy. Their aggressive approach turns the other person off even more, with the result of a complete shut-off. After a few unsuccessful and pained exchanges, the relationship dies.

We often mistake our fear of being alone with love. Some fear losing others, through death or otherwise, because they are afraid no one will be there to take care of them; other people fear losing loved ones because they need to take care of someone else. Being needed creates a gateway for energy to flow. Either way it's about control, which originates from the ego, not from the soul.

We need to fall in love with ourselves, before we fall in love with others, and know that we are worthy of our own respect and happy being with ourselves. Until we enjoy our own company, we shouldn’t expect others to pick up our slack.

An Act of Random Kindness

"You and I can never do a kindness too soon, for we never know how soon it will be too late." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson


It’s amazing how much one can observe and learn even from a run at the grocery store. As I waited to pay for my purchases, yesterday, I noticed that the first person in line was rummaging furiously through the contents in her purse. Stress was evident on her face, and I wondered if she had just realized she had forgotten her wallet.

She looked up at the cashier and seemed ready to cry. She turned toward the two plastic bags containing the few items she had picked up and began to take out some things, mentally adding up what she had to leave behind. When I saw what she had pulled out, my heart sank – a package of store brand ham, cereal, ground beef and a bottle of juice. She held on to two loaves of bread, milk and diapers. She hadn’t forgotten her wallet – she simply didn’t have enough money even for basic necessities and was looking for a miracle at the bottom of her purse.

I immediately dunk my hand into my own to grab my debit card, but the man in front of me beat me to it. He gave the cashier enough money for the entire bill and seemed almost embarrassed that his act of kindness had been a public one.

The woman was stunned at his generosity. She looked up at the man with tear-filled eyes and thanked him. What happened next, however, was the highlight of it all.

He nodded, and told the lady that his best friend had recently taken his own life because no one had realized in time he needed help. His eyes moistened and his voice broke for a moment as he told her to not lose faith because things will eventually turn around. She instinctually hugged him, and a single tear escaped her eyelids. After that, she left. He paid for his deli sandwich and soda, and exited the store quietly.

I watched them both go, and thought about how many times I have probably passed by someone who is silently suffering and didn’t know it. All the anonymous faces inside the store – each with a story of their own, and some bearing crosses.

I thought about the times I could have smiled at a stranger, or helped someone with a small act of kindness, rather than just cross paths with them and look ahead. Any of them could have been the man whose heart was broken, or the lady who didn’t have enough money to buy juice for her children; maybe, they could have been someone whose spouse had recently passed away, or even someone who had lost all hope of ever overcoming hardship.

Truth is, we don’t know the person behind the façade, and we don’t know of their situations and their struggles. Because of that, we should always strive toward being kind to one another. Maybe then, so many would not feel completely lost and alone.

A Perfect Moment

“Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn’t learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn’t learn a little, at least we didn’t get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn’t die; so, let us all be thankful.” ~Buddha


As humans, we easily take things for granted. Although few of us have concrete reasons to be unhappy, we nearly view complaining as a birthright. Regardless of how unfortunate we are at any given juncture in our lives, the hard times are usually temporary, and we are able to bounce back if so we choose.

Being thankful for the blessings in our lives is a skill we can learn to master. Each day we start a new page of our reality – we can choose to rewrite the lines of yesterday, or begin a new chapter. If the pages already written could use some editing, it is never too late to work on them. There is always room for improvement, yet there are things in our lives that are perfect the way they are, if we stop a moment and acknowledge their existence.

One of my mother’s friends once told me that every morning he thinks about the people and things he would not want to live without, then says a small prayer of gratitude.

Generally speaking, very few of us – if any at all – are completely aware, and consciously thankful, of how much we have going for ourselves, as we rarely pause long enough to acknowledge everything in our world. Let’s consider health, for example – we don’t realize how blessed we are until we begin to have problems. All the days we spend pain-free and absorbed in something else, we probably never give a second thought to the fact that we are healthy.

The same goes for about everything else in our lives. We might run short of money and eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for a month. Yet, we have eaten and we are full – our immediate need is taken care of.

We might just be recovering from a broken relationship, during the course of which someone betrayed us. Maybe they did us a favor by timely showing us their true colors, thus giving us the chance to meet somebody else who can really love us the way we deserve.

Realistically, we will never be totally happy until we decide we are going to be. No matter how wealthy, loved, or successful we are, we are going to want more. We can look at things in two ways – we can notice the beauty of our surroundings and enjoy being where we are, or we can be on a constant road trip that will likely lead us nowhere.

In this particular instant, ask yourself what is missing for you to be happy. Not yesterday, not tomorrow, nor the day after. Consider this one moment and determine what is missing and what is available to you in this second. What’s already there is very likely more plentiful than what is not.