The Value of Challenges

"Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself." ~ George Bernard Shaw When my kid went to bed, last night, I finally took a few minutes to reflect on everything that's happened in my life in the last few years. Although I often feel that my existence is a big, boring set of routines, and Spirit could really try a little harder to make blessings roll in a timely manner, last night I finally had to admit that things HAVE happened, and compared to five years ago, my world has changed a great deal. What I think triggered my reflection was a discussion about the state lottery. While we were sitting in the living room after dinner, my daughter asked me what I would do if I won such a staggering amount. My answer surprised her and slighly disappointed her. If I won a jackpot of 500 millions, I would probably set one million aside for each of my three kids, I would put away five to ten millions for retirement, I would take care of family and a few close friends, and then I would have fun with the rest. I don't think I would want to buy houses, yachts or cars, and clothes and shoes have never been at the top of my list of likes. What I would really like to do would be to play anonimous Santa, sharing that wealth anonimously with the unsuspecting needy. I have heard a few sweet stories in the last few years -- one of a woman who walked into a K-Mart close to Christmas and paid off all the toys on layaway in cash, and another of a woman who bought a foreclosed home just to give it back to the original owner who lost it after falling into hard times. How much fun would it be to do something like that?? My daughter didn't seem all that impressed with my choices. "Wow, Mom, you would give all that money away and you would only leave us, your own children, one million each?" I explained to her that life is more fun when you have goals you strive to achieve, and the journey is really what defines you as a person. Individual strengths don't usually come out until one needs to be strong, and one rarely tries hard to learn new strategies until challenges come along. A million would buy each of the kids a home and give them enough money for education and a good start. When everyone went to bed, I thought of how my philosophies apply to my own life, and how much I have learned by having to reinvent myself in the last few years. Writing has truly been the key to not only finding myself, but also to creating a new self. Of course, I wish someone could have come in, touched me with a magic wand and offered a shortcut to success, but if that had happened, I wouldn't have learned half as much. In the last five years, I have learned how to stand on my own two feet, I have learned how to do things I never thought possible, and I have been forced to get out of the safety of my shell and explore the world. Has it been easy? Not at all, but it has been fun and educational. If I look back at the shy person I was just five years ago, and the more confident individual I have become, I know all those efforts were not in vain. Life isn't just about discovering who we are by finding what we enjoy doing, but rather, it is an opportunity to reinvent the wheel if one is needed to travel smoothly. As I thought of all this, I was suddenly happy about the challenges I endured.

Looking Up

“He who likes cherries soon learns to climb.” ~ German proverb


My friend Julie and I have one thing in common – we both don’t like heights. In all truth, I don’t really mind heights if I know I am completely safe -- and I thoroughly enjoy a panoramic view from behind a protective window -- but you will not catch me alive on a tall ladder.

The other day, time came for my friend to face that tall demon, when she was commissioned by a local mall to take photographs of a firework display. Excited and terrified at the same time, she worried not just at the prospect of going all the way up, but also at the terrifying thought of climbing all the way down.

Here I was, the pot calling the kettle back, encouraging her to continue her ascent and never look down; even as I wrote that, my mind spun at the mere thought of being in her place. Yet, my friend was counting on me for support, and support I was going to give. “Keep looking up,” I said sounding more assured than I felt, “even when you are climbing down.”

In the end, not only did Julie make it back down safely, but she also had a blast!

As we were writing back and forth the night before, Julie and I speculated on the possibility that our fear of heights reflects our fear of moving forward in our lives. Both of us are standing at a professional crossroads right now, where every turn can either hide a mind-blowing surprise, or a heart-breaking disappointment. As long as we lay low and close to earth, we can only get hurt a little if we stumble, but how bad could we possibly get injured, if we climb too high, too fast, and suddenly fall? Someone once said that if you have nothing you never have to worry about losing anything; similarly, if you never go up, you never have to worry about falling down; because of that, we often postpone our ascent, knowing that while we might not achieve much by remaining stuck in our safe place, we won’t lose much either.

Our problem is that as we approach our ‘ladder’, our thoughts are focused on our descent, rather than centering on what we will see when we make it up to the top. We invest so much energy worrying about what might happen if we fall that we often end up self-sabotaging in the desperate attempt of creating a safety net.

Julie went up and loved the view, felt proud of having finally conquered her fear and had no problems climbing back down; when it was time to descend, she allowed her body to follow the motions, but her eyes remained focused on what was above her, rather than giving in to the temptation of looking down.

Kudos to you, Julie, for setting your eyes on the stars. Why look down at how far we could fall, when we can look up and see how far we can reach?

Failure -- A Valuable Assistant

“There are no failures – just experiences and your reactions to them.” ~ Tom Krause


“I have not failed,” Thomas Edison once said, “I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.” And he did indeed, but once he finally succeeded, he came up with one of the most valuable inventions of our time – incandescent lights.

In all truth, Thomas Edison didn’t invent the light bulb – someone else had patented a similar invention fifty years earlier – but contrary to the first light bulbs which only lasted 150 hours, Edison was able to create a product which lasted 1200 hours, only about 300 hours less than the light bulbs we use today. Edison tried thousands of different substances in making the filament of an incandescent light bulb until he found one material that lasted long enough to make the light bulb cheap enough to sell. In 1879, he finally succeeded. He made a light bulb using carbonized filaments from cotton thread. The light bulb burned for two days. His bulbs were first installed on the steamship "Columbia" and later in a New York City factory. The first public demonstration of the Thomas Edison's incandescent lighting system was in December 1879, when the Menlo Park laboratory complex was electrically lighted. Edison spent the next several years creating the electric industry.

The light bulb wasn’t Thomas Edison’s only project. He worked on inventions previously discovered but never completed, and initiated other ideas which he never perfected himself but helped future inventors in their own work. His career was brightened by successful breakthroughs, but also laden with many failures, which he refused to acknowledge as such. In one of his famous statements, he asserted that there is no such thing as failure, but just results; some of those results are just not what one hopes to see.

And indeed he was right. The most fascinating part of his thinking is that he recognized the value of each experience as a step toward perfection. Each time we try something, our brain stores the data from our efforts and organizes it in two lists – one list of what works and one of what we should avoid in future attempts. Understanding what will help us succeed is important, but we shouldn’t underestimate the value of being familiar with whatever will hinder our journey – once we know what doesn’t work, we can bypass the obstacle at the next try, and reach the goal by a process of elimination.

Fear of failure is the greatest enemy of innovation, and it is quite common to choose stagnation over rejection. What we often don’t realize is that idleness caused by fear is the only failure one can encounter. Failure is the personal assistant to success.

http://inventors.about.com/library/inventors/bledison.htm
http://www.patentdrafting.com/edison.htm

Down to the Single Units

“When you're feeling down just hold your head up high and don't think of the whole big thing. Just focus on doing one thing at a time. You'll see that you will accomplish a lot, if not everything at the end of the day.” ~ Author unknown

Occasionally, when I go shopping for groceries I also purchase a small bouquet of flowers to display on the kitchen table. There is something special about fresh flowers in the winter – their fragrance can turn the grayest of days into a sudden burst of spring.

Yesterday I brought home a bouquet of mixed field flowers. I removed the wrap and looked for scissors to trim the ends. I couldn’t find the “good” pair, so I had to settle for the ones that don’t cut too well. When I tried to cut the stems they only bent, so I tried to apply more pressure to see if it would help; again, the stems bent a bit more but still remained attached to the flowers. I gave up my original thought of cutting the bunch of them and focused on severing one at a time. When I tried to cut just one, the blades of the scissors went through the single stem like a knife cutting butter. If I had followed that approach from the beginning, instead than trying to get all the stems cut at the same time, I would have finished sooner rather than later.

Many of us approach most tasks in the same fashion, only to become discouraged and overwhelmed by the mere thought of getting started. We try to tackle the whole array of tasks as a collective unit, and end up just getting irritated by our inability to succeed.

Huge undertakings are seen as a wall looming in front of us, which will suck our life energy as we try to either climb over it or remove it from our path. It is significant to remember that no matter how solid the wall might appear, it is not a large single unit we are powerless against, but rather a group of many smaller units connected together to form a larger structure. We might not be able to move the wall from the path as a whole, but we are certainly strong enough to remove one brick at a time.

When we feed energy toward removing the whole wall, we set ourselves up for failure and create an excuse why we shouldn’t even attempt. If, instead, we pace ourselves and focus on removing one brick at a time, we are able to direct our energy where it will make a difference.

We could push the wall for hours without moving it an inch and easily fall into the grip of frustration, but we can instantly see the brick taken from its original position and moved where we want it. With each brick that we move, we wall is less threatening. Small successes can add up and trigger strong feelings of self-satisfaction and worth, as we are able to see results of our applied effort almost immediately.

So whether we are facing cutting the stems of a bouquet of flowers, removing debris from our path, losing unwanted weight, or facing a daunting task of any nature, it is helpful if we break the structure of what we are hoping to conquer into small units that we can focus on one at a time. By doing so we are not neglecting the whole, but rather we are ensuring that each part of it is properly addressed and polished to perfection.

On the Path to Success

"Visualize this thing you want. See it, feel it, believe in it. Make your mental blueprint and begin." Robert Collier


Focus oriented in the right direction is one of the fundamental tools necessary to overcome. If you think it sounds too easy and simple to be true, think again. Many people loudly broadcast their wishes, but their words rarely match their thoughts, beliefs and expectations. While one minute is spent wishing for something, the other 23 hours and 59 minutes of their day are intensely spent visualizing the impossibility of the wish.

Given the right impetus and desire, every wish can become reality. The only blocks are the lack of emotional charge necessary to propel our wishes forward, the mental image we implant into our subconscious, and whether we feel we deserve the blessing. The fuel is provided by emotions; without emotions behind them, thoughts are quickly discarded as unimportant. The Universal mind only works on images we create in our conscious minds, which get deposited into our subconscious minds. Once an image is perceived by our Higher Self, if fueled properly, it will manifest in our realities. So, if for one minute we claim to wish for something, but then we repeatedly saturate our subconscious with images of poverty, disease, fear and lack of love, our Higher-Self assimilates that poverty, disease, fear and lack of love are just what we want. Like actions, images speak louder than words. The last block is usually caused by misplaced guilt; if we feel guilty of something – even if we didn’t initiate the action – we believe we shouldn’t be rewarded.

When we wish for something but then expect to see its opposite manifest, our focus is centered on what we don’t want. As we think of what we don’t want, we form mental images of the misery that will come, and we bring those images to life by feeding them with our emotions. In order to be successful in attaining our wishes, we need to re-program our conscious minds, since that’s where the process starts. Our free will allows us to choose what to focus on, and once we make a choice, we need to concentrate every emotion we feel toward our goal, rather than toward the obstacles on our path.

Very often, our realities are impacted by old images buried deep into our subconscious. By allowing painful memories to rise up at a time when we can give them our full attention, we take away their power of being in charge of us. When we choose to face them, we can feel them, hear them, see them and even feed them emotions for a brief period of time, and then make a conscious effort to release them before shifting our focus toward the goals we wish to conquer. One thing is certain – those old wounds will not go away until we consciously decide to meet them face to face, honor them for their purpose in our lives and ask them to rest in peace. Once we are aware of their existence, it is imperative that don’t linger on their effects. We are in control of how long we will allow ourselves to think about them.

Changing our realities is possible, as long as our thoughts go hand in hand with our words. And if, by force of habit, we go down the wrong thinking path at any given time, we always have the option to stop, turn around and walk in a different direction.

One More Shot at New Year's Resolution

“When nothing seems to help, I go and look at a stonecutter hammering away at his rock perhaps a hundred times without as much as a crack showing in it. Yet at the hundred and first blow it will split in two, and I know it was not that blow that did it - but all that had gone before.” ~ Jacob Riis


Once again, we are preparing to usher in a new year. In the midst of a flurry of traditions and celebrations, many are working on their list of resolutions. The list most often includes lifestyle improvements such as quitting smoking or drinking, healthier eating habits and weight loss.

Making a list is an easy thing; getting started with the best of intentions is the next easy thing; then, when all the easy stuff has run its course, the hard part begins: sticking with our resolutions. After the original steam has evaporated, the long-term benefits of the choice we made are still floating somewhere at the edges of the mind, but they suddenly don’t seem so important any more, when compared with the immediate struggles we are facing on the journey toward our destination. Eight times out of ten, New Year resolutions die in their infancy.

Many approach their resolutions with determination, but if they trip and fall even once, they often feel that the battle is lost for one more year, and they are ready to give it up until the next January first. Imagine if babies gave up trying to walk after they fell once or even a handful of times, and they didn’t try again until they turned a year older. With each fall, their brains record the experience and work relentlessly to avoid the same obstacles; they might require several tries, and several bumps, but eventually they learn to coordinate their movements in such a way that they fall less and less. Their success does not depend on the last time they stood up and took three steps without falling, but on the countless times before, when they took one step and fell down.

We might have tried the same resolution more times than we can count on the fingers of two hands, but each time we make an attempt at conquering our goal our chances of success are greater. Surely, we might fall again, but we could also be ready to finally walk alone. And if we do fail again, it’s good to know that it wasn’t in vain.

Falling is not an excuse for giving up on trying, but an opportunity to learn what didn’t work, so we’ll have more chances to succeed when we stand up and give it another shot.

The Sweetest Revenge

“The best revenge is massive success.” ~ Frank Sinatra


Throughout the years, I’ve met many people; many of them have survived some kind of abuse. Interestingly enough, after they were no longer abused by others, they picked up where others left off, and violated themselves even worse than any of their oppressors ever did.

It is not uncommon for victims of abuse – physical, verbal or mental – to self-sabotage. Going into the trigger mechanisms of such a response would indeed require a much longer discussion than what can be afforded in a blog post, as would the analysis of each unique type of response, but we can safely assess that most individuals who have suffered an emotional trauma as a consequence of abuse tend to indulge in behaviors which validate the actions of the abusers rather than dispelling them.

Let’s assume, for example, that someone was repeatedly told they could not amount to anything in life, and they were led to believe that their actions were a ticket straight to hell. In many cases, they had probably felt incapable and smothered at every corner. Let’s say, now, that this individual is finally free – at least physically – from the person who abused them. The first thing they would probably do, the moment they are able to control their own lives, is to indulge in the very same behaviors their abuser used as ammunition to gain control over them.

By continuing the abuse that others had begun, we only validate the faulty perception they have of us. No matter what happened, we don’t need to let the abuse go any further, especially if we are now the ones in the driver’s seat. If someone never believed we could amount to anything, and we turn their vision into reality, we choose to give them more power than they were ever entitled to have. If, instead, we focus on cracking their assumption, and we direct our energies to shifting the sail toward a positive current, we have instantly broken the drama and won the battle.

Nobody ever said that revenge must walk a rocky trail. Skipping over the rocks that were placed on our path to make us fall is the best way to show the world that we are finally free from the chains of the past.

Never Give Up

“Whoever said anybody has a right to give up?” - Marian Wright Edelman

Some may remember that several weeks ago I tried to save a nest of wasps – the nest was accidentally knocked down by a friend of my son’s; when I found it, I tried propping it up in a corner of the porch to save the babies growing in the chambers, but since I had no way of securing it to the railing, it was blown away by the wind soon after that. I found the nest again, saw that the babies were still moving and put it in a different place in the same area. Each time, the workers went back to tend to it. A few days later, it disappeared.

The workers looked for the nest for a few days, and continued to stay on the ceiling of the porch in the same corner where they had originally built. A week later, I noticed they were working on new cells, and soon a new, smaller nest was built. After their labor of a whole summer was destroyed, they set out to do what they could to keep the colony going. The nest was built and more babies were laid in its chambers.

This time around they were racing against time. With colder weather at the door, their goal was not of creating a big, impressive nest, but of laying enough babies as quickly as possible to ensure that at least one new queen and some workers could make it through the winter and keep the colony going.

When I peeked into the nest yesterday morning, I knew they had achieved their goal. The babies are now big enough to live on their own, and they will likely survive unless they get hit by a premature cold snap. When the workers will lay their tired bodies to sleep, a few weeks from now, they will do so knowing that their purpose was fully met.

Even after the fruit of their hard labor was knocked down three times by unfriendly circumstances, the wasps quickly counted their losses and moved on to plan B. They could have given up but they never did, and when disaster struck, they accepted it for what it was and went eagerly to work to salvage what they could. Their focus was set and they were either going to succeed or die trying. As it turned out, their acceptance and effort were rewarded in the end.

As someone once said, “Failure is only the opportunity to begin again, this time more wisely.”
Perseverance is a key to the door of the future.

Reflections

People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within. - Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

From the time they are born, humans need interaction with one another. Many studies have shown that children who lacked bonding with at least a caregiver during the first years of life have a greater tendency of developing sociopathic traits during their adult life.

Regardless of how much or little attention any of us are given, we mold our lives in response to our environment. Others dictate our self-image and worth by mechanically feeding our needs of confirmation.

Life appears easy for those who seem to have it all – looks, money, success - yet, many of these people aren’t happy. They become so accustomed to associating their self-worth and identity with the positive feedback they receive while riding the crest that if anything happens – or threatens to happen – to mar the assets they are loved for, they take a nose dive into self-pity, and they struggle to merely survive. Hollywood and music stars often stumble into the same trap. They are repeatedly told how gorgeous, talented and powerful they are, but when age or a different trend in their sector threaten their future popularity they become overwhelmed and seek solace in numbing substances.

Real people’s lives are no different. Many of us measure our worth against a superficial scale and if something comes along to undermine the identity we have built we are likely to become anxious and depressed. It is easy to feel wonderful when everything runs smooth, and people feed us positive energy. Nobody is more agreeable than the person everyone agrees with and adores.

But what happens when the going gets tough and, suddenly, the outside feed is suspended? Many will go to extremes, and morph in such ways that will ensure their energetic survival. They learn how to thrive on positive and negative energy alike, and they will associate to people they perceive stronger to appear more likeable.

Being in good terms with our inner person is essential if one chooses to be happy. True acceptance needs to initiate inside of us, not outside. Love from others will come once we have become comfortable with loving ourselves and enjoying our own company.

Love is the glue that keeps us connected to others and to ourselves, but before we can reach out to others - or hope that others will reach out to us - we must extend that hand to ourselves.

The Tree House

“In order to reach your goals, you will have to climb a long way and be frightened. But take it a step at a time”


Those were the words a kind uncle uttered one day, as his young niece expressed her fear of climbing the ladder leading to the tree house he had built. Their home was a two-story Victorian with a steep pitched roof - the tree house was in an old oak tree, and it was higher than the roof top of the Victorian house. To the little girl who stood at the bottom of the tree, the tree house seemed to float above the clouds, and she was apprehensive about going up. Despite her fears, her uncle gently nudged her to start climbing.

Many years later, as she worked her way through college, and struggled to juggle jobs and school work, the girl always remembered that day, and thoughts of the tree house propelled her forward toward achieving greater heights.
Even if the heights we are attempting to reach are not unthinkable ones, it is quite common to be frightened when we contemplate our goals. Just like the tree house, our dreams seem exceedingly distant and it is easy to forget that each step gets us closer to destination.

We may not see the results right away, and that’s usually discouraging. Once a goal is set, faith must carry us the rest of the way. We can’t look down, or else we will fall. We can only go forward, one step at a time, knowing that we WILL get to the tree house if we keep up our efforts.

Growing up, I had a friend who had weight problems. Periodically, she would get motivated to try a new diet, but after following it for a week or two, she would give up. When I asked why she didn’t stick with the regimen, she always replied that she wasn’t losing any weight anyway. In reality, it was not true. Even after a week, one could tell that something was slightly changing, but it would have taken several weeks to see noticeable results. The change was not dramatic enough to keep her committed to her goal.

A few years ago, I ran into her while visiting my parents, and saw that she had lost an amazing amount of weight. When I asked her what had finally worked, she said: “I just decided to stick with the diet, regardless of the immediate lack of reward.” Although she could not see tangible results, she had decided to have faith and continue – the pounds began to melt off, and a new woman, smiling and confident, was born.

Fear of failure is probably the greatest deterrent of going far. We are afraid of not making it, so we don’t even try. Once that fear is conquered, and faith takes over, the worst is done.

The little girl of the story had a special place in the heart for the uncle that encouraged her to climb the tree house and she will always know that when she is scared of anything, she can think of that beautiful, sunny day. I am certain her uncle, who recently passed away, is smiling down at her from the top of the tree house, proud of all she has conquered. In fact, I think he is doing that right now.