The Value of Challenges

"Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself." ~ George Bernard Shaw When my kid went to bed, last night, I finally took a few minutes to reflect on everything that's happened in my life in the last few years. Although I often feel that my existence is a big, boring set of routines, and Spirit could really try a little harder to make blessings roll in a timely manner, last night I finally had to admit that things HAVE happened, and compared to five years ago, my world has changed a great deal. What I think triggered my reflection was a discussion about the state lottery. While we were sitting in the living room after dinner, my daughter asked me what I would do if I won such a staggering amount. My answer surprised her and slighly disappointed her. If I won a jackpot of 500 millions, I would probably set one million aside for each of my three kids, I would put away five to ten millions for retirement, I would take care of family and a few close friends, and then I would have fun with the rest. I don't think I would want to buy houses, yachts or cars, and clothes and shoes have never been at the top of my list of likes. What I would really like to do would be to play anonimous Santa, sharing that wealth anonimously with the unsuspecting needy. I have heard a few sweet stories in the last few years -- one of a woman who walked into a K-Mart close to Christmas and paid off all the toys on layaway in cash, and another of a woman who bought a foreclosed home just to give it back to the original owner who lost it after falling into hard times. How much fun would it be to do something like that?? My daughter didn't seem all that impressed with my choices. "Wow, Mom, you would give all that money away and you would only leave us, your own children, one million each?" I explained to her that life is more fun when you have goals you strive to achieve, and the journey is really what defines you as a person. Individual strengths don't usually come out until one needs to be strong, and one rarely tries hard to learn new strategies until challenges come along. A million would buy each of the kids a home and give them enough money for education and a good start. When everyone went to bed, I thought of how my philosophies apply to my own life, and how much I have learned by having to reinvent myself in the last few years. Writing has truly been the key to not only finding myself, but also to creating a new self. Of course, I wish someone could have come in, touched me with a magic wand and offered a shortcut to success, but if that had happened, I wouldn't have learned half as much. In the last five years, I have learned how to stand on my own two feet, I have learned how to do things I never thought possible, and I have been forced to get out of the safety of my shell and explore the world. Has it been easy? Not at all, but it has been fun and educational. If I look back at the shy person I was just five years ago, and the more confident individual I have become, I know all those efforts were not in vain. Life isn't just about discovering who we are by finding what we enjoy doing, but rather, it is an opportunity to reinvent the wheel if one is needed to travel smoothly. As I thought of all this, I was suddenly happy about the challenges I endured.

When Opposites No Longer Attract

“The people who live in a golden age usually go around complaining how yellow everything looks.” ~ Randall Jarrell


Yesterday morning I received a call from a friend who’s traveling through Mississippi and stopped by a restaurant in Jackson. As she related her impressions of this restaurant and of the people working there, my friend was obviously quite impressed. As it turns out, this restaurant is part of a chain, even if one would never know it from the atmosphere it offers – friendly, proud, and happy to serve a good meal made even tastier by the nearly-forgotten charm of southern hospitality at its best.

“I remember when Raleigh was like this,” my friend said, “and now people seem to have forgotten what a true welcome is all about. I think it’s because of the influence of all the northern folks moving south; they move down because they like the weather and the attitude of the southern states, but as soon as they get here they try to change the very same things that attracted them to the place to start with.”

While my friend talked, my mind started racing. Was my friend right? As nice as it is to have a cup of Espresso on a sleepy morning, who wants to live in the south without ice tea? And what about our famous – or infamous, according to some – fried chicken? Nothing against the great benefits of a healthy meal, but I doubt anyone will argue that chicken tastes better fried than baked. We are not even going to touch the issue of tobacco…North Carolina is a tobacco state, yet smoking is banned mostly everywhere, with the result of our state wealth dissipating quickly. Crazy stuff to think about, some of it sad and some of it inevitable.

Our conversation led me to think of something else altogether; more specifically about how often we turn against the very things that attracted us to situations and people. For example, we can be attracted by the independent streak detected in a person of interest; once the relationship forges and familiarity sets in, the same quality which served as a magnet in the beginning is suddenly converted into an annoying trait we can’t stand in our companion.

We often approach other people and situation with mixed intentions – on one end, we are curious and attracted by the differences, and find dealing with an opposite mentally stimulating. On the other end, we wonder how much we can influence people and circumstances, and dive into situations we are not comfortable with for the sake of proving our personal power. In truth, people and situations can’t be changed that easily, and most of what is born out of the shuffle is long-felt resentment on both sides.

A change of approach – as ironic as those words sound in this context – is in order if we hope to find a middle ground. When we feel unhappy with our present circumstances, it would be helpful if we could remember what attracted us to those circumstances to start with, and try to shift the focus back to what we loved about the person, the place or the arrangement. If, upon reflection, we can instead no longer find the magic behind the process of the original attraction, we can safely know that chapter of our lives has run its course and it is time to move on.

People and situations don’t have the power to make us unhappy, unless we give that power to them; we can’t always change others, or alter the situations in our lives, but we can change the way we look at them, and maybe rediscover the good things we have forgotten. Sometimes our own focus is what can make all the difference.

Through the Eyes of a Child

“A joyful heart is the inevitable result of a heart burning with love.” ~ Mother Teresa

When I went to pick up my daughter from pre-school yesterday, I found her in the reading corner looking at picture books with another child. I saw her pointing at one of the pictures in the book she was holding and laughing, and I wondered what she found funny in it - it was a picture of baby Jesus in the manger, surrounded by the three wise men bearing gifts.

Her teacher came along, took the book from her, and told her that it wasn’t a funny book and she shouldn’t be laughing at the pictures in it. I was stunned. Not by the fact that a small child was laughing at a picture, mind you, but at the thought that an adult allegedly trained to deal with children couldn’t tell the difference between a derisive laugh and an expression of joy. The two kids were enjoying the pictures, and looking at them made them happy; the fact alone that they would erupt into random laughter without a reason apparent to adults could possibly only be explained by the one grown-up person on earth who shares a child-like spirit, the Dalai Lama.

Inner joy is not something planned or in any way related to outside influences, but an inner state which is self-feeding and self-propagating. So, should we really teach our children that it is not okay to be joyful?

Having been raised in a fairly conservative environment, I am very familiar with – and a strong supporter of – self-discipline; I believe that one should not allow emotions to cloud our better judgment and get in the way of sound decisions set in place for our greater good, yet I believe that inner joy is such an asset that it should never be stifled.

A joyful person is always joyful, regardless of what’s happening in the outside world; even when trying events take place, the upset is only momentary, and the mood quickly shifts back to its natural state because joy stems from within and it’s barely stroked by circumstances. Many confuse happiness with joy, but the two are about as alike as silk and satin – both are soft and pleasant to the touch, but their origin and overall nature are different. Happiness can be exhilarating, but it is not constant. It shifts with the outside currents and can easily come and go depending on the presence – or lack – of external feeds.

Unless traumatized by unfriendly circumstances, children are joyful until adults get in the way telling them it is wrong to feel that way. A large portion of adults act foolish in the attempt of recapturing the essence of joy they felt as children, but they unfortunately seek joy where only happiness can be found. When the link to joy is criticized or abruptly interrupted, the child quickly looks for the closest substitute, happiness from the outside world.

When we walked outside, I asked my daughter what made her laugh while looking at the book. She looked at me with a twinkle in her eyes and said: “It was a picture of baby Jesus, Mommy; He was so cute that I wanted to hold Him.”

Do I Truly Not Want This?

In the many years we have known each other, I‘ve always heard my friend Caroline complain of the fact that she lives alone and has no children. Yet, every time she comes to my house for the day – and is exposed to the zoo of family life for more than an hour – she is ready to bolt out the door and find the peace and solitude she habitually claims to hate.

I often hear people complain about everything; their spouses, their homes, their jobs, their children, the time they spend alone. As humans, we spend a great deal of our time focusing on, and complaining about, what we don’t have, never really ready to acknowledge the fact that what we do have is truly what’s right for us.

We behave similarly in relation to weather conditions. In the winter we dream of being somewhere warm; we complain of the cold and rain, and can hardly wait for the dog days of summer, when, once again, we’ll be able to shed the heavy clothes and feel the hot kiss of sunshine on our skin. Yet, as soon as summer comes - after just a few weeks - we complain of the heat, and talk dreamily of the cool weather we will experience in the fall and winter. Opposite conditions allow us to appreciate what we normally take for granted.

Many can relate to the excitement felt when company is ready to come visit; we plan wonderful moments and are eager to catch up on conversations; yet, after a few days, we are ready to claim back the life we had, our routines, our moments alone. It’s not that we don’t love the company, but we are ready to be back in our own space.

Ultimately, if we never lost our jobs, we’d never appreciate the sense of security which derives from being employed; if we never had a day of rain, we’d never appreciate a day of sunshine; if we never had anyone treating us wrong, we’d never recognize, or appreciate, a true friend when he or she comes along.

We can choose to look at our seemingly unfulfilled lives and experiences as a sentence we are forced to serve, but by doing so we only rob ourselves from the opportunity of being happy.

At times, changes are in order and can improve our lives, but often we simply need to make an honest assessment of how much we truly wish for things to be altered. We can begin by asking ourselves if our lives would be better or worse if we take a different turn. When we look at the neighbor’s grass, and wish it was our own, we should also ask ourselves if we’d be happy and ready to commit to the daily amount of work required to keep it so green.

Does Wealth Lead to Happiness?

“Life in abundance comes only through great love” ~ Elbert Hubbard

Does wealth create happiness? Although a life free of financial worries sounds like the answer to all problems, I personally believe that it is not wealth that makes happiness but happiness that makes wealth.

In my opinion, there is no difference between types of energy, aside from the division between positive and negative. Both of them exist in the Universe, and everything we are, see, hear, feel or touch is made of both. Money and material things are no different – they are a manifestation of energy.

When we feel good about ourselves, and feel we deserve to receive good things, the positive energy we send out is a clear signal to the Universe that we are ready and willing to receive the many blessings that are available. When, on the other hand, we feel trapped into a dark tunnel of fear and doubt, we also feel that we have failed ourselves and others, and the signal we send out is that we don’t deserve the blessings that are available to us.

Very often, the prison we are in is an invisible one only we can see. Its walls are built with bricks made of guilt and unresolved issues. In the unfortunate event that we have done anything wrong and have gotten away with it, we fall prey of an even worse internal conflict – while our ego rejoices that we have won one, our inner spirit knows the scale isn’t balanced; justice is not done, the deed has not received adequate punishment, and we subconsciously take it upon ourselves to ensure that we get our just deserved.

Regardless of what we have done, we can’t go back and change things. Our inner spirit knows that, and does not expect any such thing. What we can do, is honor our ability to feel remorse and guilt, because it is a sure sign that our conscience is working, but once we have done so, we must also allow ourselves to let those feelings go and start afresh.

Beating ourselves over something we cannot change will not right the wrongs of the past, but will rather cause us to stumble again in the future. Instead, a complete reshuffling of our life cards needs to take place. First of all, we need to differentiate the things we feel bad about that are really wrong from those that are deemed wrong from a cultural point of view. In the latter case, what we have done may not even be wrong per se, but it is considered so because it goes against the grain of our established societal rules.

And if we can’t forgive ourselves entirely, let’s begin by forgiving others, knowing that, like us, they are held captive within the confines of a similar prison. Forgiving others allows us to heal those parts of ourselves that we can’t directly reach, and gives us a head start on a journey of true love.

On the map of abundance, selfless love is the main highway to get to destination; no toll payments are required and the sun is always shining bright at the end of the horizon.

The Power of Choice

“Happiness is not a matter of events, it depends upon the tides of the mind.” ~ Alice Meynell

When I was a little girl, my grandmother used to take me to ride my bike at a park near my house. One day, I fell and scraped both knees. After helping me get up, and brushing off the dirt of my bloody legs, my grandmother smiled and said: “Well, aren’t you the lucky one?” I looked at her in disbelief…here I was, one scratch away from needing stitches, and the woman was telling me I was lucky! Could she be mentally ill? Even at that young age, I remember wondering if she was going mad.

Noticing my confused frown, she explained: “Look at it this way, young lady, you could have fallen and busted your head instead. I think you were pretty lucky.” Although I still had a few doubts about her sanity, those words appealed to my young mind. She was right after all – no matter how desperate the situation seemed at the moment, it could have been worse.

From that day on, my glass was most always half full. Yes, bad stuff continued to happen on occasion, but was it the absolute worst it could be? That newfound attitude saved me a lot of heartache while going through the teen years, and it truly helped me see that events are only as bad as we paint them in our minds.

To this day, every morning, I pray for one thing: to keep my inner balance alive, and see every obstacle as an opportunity. It doesn’t matter what kind of day I’ve had – at the end of it, I always feel it was a day worth living. True power is not in dominating events unfolding around us, but rather is the ability of not allowing those events to affect our core of emotions.

One of the best tricks to balance the scale is to focus our attention on a happy memory. For me, as an example, thinking of the when my younger son caught a big fish on his first fishing trip really does wonders. He was so happy! That image will forever be forged in my mind. If I think of that, and really try to concentrate on the intensity of the feeling and the brightness of his smile, I can immediately feel tension melt away. Once I have a grip on my emotions again, I continue to focus on positive thoughts, and my day magically shifts.

Hanging on to resentment or negative thoughts feeds our illusion of needing to remain angry in order to punctuate the magnitude of the event, but it is really not necessary. Dangling on the brink of a precipice has never helped anyone find solutions.

We feel inclined to change the décor of our environment if the style no longer suits us, or makes us feel uncomfortable. We remove an object and replace it with one we like more – why not do the same with our thoughts?

Is That What I Truly Want?

In the many years we have known each other, I‘ve always heard my friend Caroline complain of the fact that she lives alone and has no children. Yet, every time she comes to my house for the day – and is exposed to the zoo of family life for more than an hour – she is ready to bolt out the door and find the peace and solitude she habitually claims to hate.
I often hear people complain about everything; their spouses, their homes, their jobs, their children, the time they spend alone. As humans, we spend a great deal of our time focusing on, and complaining about, what we don’t have, never really ready to acknowledge the fact that what we do have is truly what’s right for us.
We behave similarly in relation to weather conditions. In the winter we dream of being somewhere warm; we complain of the cold and rain, and can hardly wait for the dog days of summer, when, once again, we’ll be able to shed the heavy clothes and feel the hot kiss of sunshine on our skin. Yet, as soon as summer comes - after just a few weeks - we complain of the heat, and talk dreamily of the cool weather we will experience in the fall and winter.
Opposite conditions allow us to appreciate what we normally take for granted.
Many can relate to the excitement felt when company is ready to come visit; we plan wonderful moments and are eager to catch up on conversations; yet, after a few days, we are ready to claim back the life we had, our routines, our moments alone. It’s not that we don’t love the company, but we are ready to be back in our own space.
Ultimately, if we never lost our jobs, we’d never appreciate the sense of security which derives from being employed; if we never had a day of rain, we’d never appreciate a day of sunshine; if we never had anyone treating us wrong, we’d never recognize, or appreciate, a true friend when he or she comes along.
We can choose to look at our seemingly unfulfilled lives and experiences as a sentence we are forced to serve, but by doing so we only rob ourselves from the opportunity of being happy.
At times, changes are in order and can improve our lives, but often we simply need to make an honest assessment of how much we truly wish for things to be altered. We can begin by asking ourselves if our lives would be better or worse if we take a different turn.
When we look at the neighbor’s grass, and wish it was our own, we should also ask ourselves if we’d be happy and ready to commit to the daily amount of work required to keep it so green.

Star Light, Star Bright...

Have you ever wished for something so badly your whole body ached at the thought of it? I know I have, many times in the past.
Fourteen years ago, when I was trying desperately to have a baby, the thought of becoming a mother ruled my every waking moment; I hoped, prayed, read and wished, but every month my hopes were dashed. Then, one day I went to lunch in the cafeteria of the hotel I worked at, and Mabel, an old lady who worked in housekeeping, asked me why I looked so sad. When I told her, she smiled and said: “You just have to stop the wishing.”
That night I went home and thought about what Mabel had said. How could I stop the wishing? I wanted a baby more than life itself, and I couldn’t imagine thinking about anything else; it had been two years since I first started trying, and by now I had fused with the obsession of it.
About a month after that, I received a wonderful new job opportunity, so I got very excited and my thoughts focused on the new turn in my career. I even told myself that it was probably a good thing I hadn’t become pregnant yet, and for once my timing was maybe in order.
I started my new job and loved it; I loved the people I worked with, my sunlit office and the considerable increase in pay. A week later I found out I was pregnant.
When I first looked at the positive pregnancy test, I sat there dumbfound. Mabel’s words came rushing back to me, and I smiled, thinking she was right after all. I had stopped the wishing for a little while; by finding something else to focus my thoughts on, I had released the pent-up energy I had accumulated around my wish of becoming a mother.
By releasing the thoughts, all I had left was the true wish in the heart; by distancing myself from its unfolding, I had insured its success.
I thought about all the things I had wished for and let go of; the ones that truly meant something to me had come through in due time.
As a cake which won’t rise if one looks at it, so wishes stall when one obsesses about them. Holding on to dreams does not mean forfeiting the quality of present life in favor of remaining stuck in the quicksand of a wish. We can dream, and hope in our hearts our dreams will come true, still going through the motion of enjoying the good things of our daily lives.
What Mabel taught me was priceless, and even if I ever wanted to forget her words, they would always jump at me anytime I simply glimpse at my three wonderful children.

Our Mad Rush to Nowhere

While driving home from the City Cemetery, yesterday, I turned on the radio and scrolled through the stations to find a good tune; to my surprise, I found a Christmas song!
I am a Christmas enthusiast - and really get wrapped in the festivities - but that was a bit much, even for me. Tuning in to Christmas on the day after Halloween seems a bit of a mad rush; what about Thanksgiving?
That got me thinking about how much we rush through life; ready to jump on the next bus, eager to put the present in the past so we can focus on the future ahead. More times than not, we live in the wrong time zone. We either focus our thoughts on the past – and keep alive events that should by now merely be memories – or project ourselves in the future, as if the next event is secretly hiding the key of happiness we have longed for and not yet found.
We do this starting from very early on; as young tots we want to be big children, as children we long to be teenagers, as teenagers we wish to be adults. Once we make it to adulthood, we wish we could blink through the hard building years, so we can reach the point of being able to retire and enjoy the fruits of our labor, see our children grown, become grandparents.
We get so excited to discover what it will be like to live in the next stage, that we miss the wonderful opportunity of enjoying the stage we are in.
By making the future our present, our present becomes our past. The days we dismiss as uneventful - in favor of others which promise more excitement but might never even come - are days we will not get back.
It is time we slow down, and realize that life is a journey which should be taken slowly, step by step, not a speed race aimed at reaching the finish line.