The Window

A young couple moves into a new neighborhood.
The first morning in the new house, while she is eating breakfast with her husband, the young woman watches her neighbor hang the laundry outside to dry.
Pointing her finger at some visible stains on the freshly laundered garments, the woman tells her husband: “Perhaps she needs better laundry soap.”
Her husband looks on, but remains silent.
From that day on, every time she sees her neighbor hang her wash to dry, the young woman continues to make the same comments.
A month later, the woman is surprised to see sparkly clean sheets on the line, and says to her husband: “Look! She has learned how to wash correctly. I wonder what changed.”
The husband says: “I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows!”
And so it is with life: What we see when watching others depends on the purity of the window through which we look. Before we give any criticism, it might be a good idea to ask ourselves if we are ready to see the good, rather than look for something in the person we are about to judge.

Criticism: Friend or Foe?

Criticism is often perceived as a personal attack, and our first reaction, when others criticize our actions or thoughts, is to become defensive and, often, lash back.
When someone criticizes our behavior or words, we feel undermined, and are afraid that once discredited, our personal worth is compromised in the eyes of the world.
As children, our greatest goal is to please adults and hear their words of praise. As adults, things don’t change much. We long to be connected to others, and become distraught when we feel rejected.
No matter what the issue at hand, people will have different opinions. Although some will choose to spew their position using less than desirable words, it is possible that a bit of truth is hidden within the wave of negative statements.
Many of us argue with others merely to hear a confirmation of our own beliefs; receiving approval for what we think or feel gives us a sense of validity of our own ideas, and reinforces our resolve to believe in them.
When we are entirely comfortable with something, we don’t feel the need to argue our point, as we know that, no matter how others feel, our ideas are unchangeable, and we will stick by them even if we are one against the rest of the world. When we argue – and especially when we become belligerent around the issue we are arguing about – is simply because we are still trying to figure out the validity of what we are stating. We seek approval from others in supporting us against those who don’t agree with us, as we feel comforted by the power of numbers. If others agree, we assume, our ideas must be right.
How can we accept criticism as our friend, and turn a negative into a positive?
1) Take time to cool off, so that raw emotions won’t cloud your judgment. Delay response until able to process the meaning of what’s being said.
2) Turn a negative into a positive. Rather than arguing your point, seek the silver lining within the hurtful words. Everything has a positive side.
3) Be open minded enough to accept the fact that there may be some truth in the hurtful words, and commit to try to see if you can indeed learn something new.
4) Criticism is very rarely a personal attack. It may be an attack of your words or actions, but it is not inherently directed to you as a person. Learn how to detach the two.
5) Remain calm and positive, and take the opportunity to clarify your views without feeling you have to become defensive. You are not being personally attacked. Thank the other party for their opinion. After all, opinion is tied to individual perception and does not always reflect reality.
Ultimately, criticism can be a positive thing, if it is viewed as such. And we’ll feel good knowing we have turned an enemy into a long lasting friend.

Dear Santa, I Thought You Could Read My Mind...

How many times in our lives do we receive gifts we don’t really need or want, and seethe internally because the other person was not sensible enough to anticipate our true wishes?
We may come up on a birthday, or other Holiday, and, once asked what we would like, our answer simply is: “Oh, you don’t have to worry about a gift. I really can’t think of a thing.” Deep down, we expect to be showered with lavish gifts and attention because the other person SHOULD want to make us happy, but our pride stops us from expressing what we really want. We expect people to read minds, and are disappointed if the other party’s “psychic” qualities are not as sharp as we thought.
Many years ago, I used to work at a downtown hotel as front desk supervisor. The reservation manager surprised us one morning by telling us that she would be leaving.
My heart leapt at the opportunity; I really wanted that job. I immediately went to the front office manager and volunteered to keep up with the reservation work after my colleague left. The two weeks passed by. I arranged my schedule so I could be in the reservation office during the day, and still be able to oversee front desk operations. By now, I thought, the job was certainly mine. I had learned anything there was to learn about reservations, and could envision the front office manager coming up to me and beg me to take the position.
About a week after that, bright and early one morning, a young girl showed up at the front desk and asked for me. She told me her name and said that she had been hired for the reservation manager position; furthermore, the front office manager told her that I would be training her, and how excited I would probably be to resume my regular job.
I was floored. All I had hoped for, and worked so hard to achieve, was crumbling in front of me like a house of cards. Maybe there was a mistake, I thought.
But it was no mistake. Jane took over the reservation office, and I went back to my old job. What went wrong? Why didn’t I get the position?
I realized then that I had never asked for the job after all. I volunteered to help, yes, but never formally said anything about wanting the position. In fact, every chance I had, I always reminded the front office manager how much I loved my regular job and my customers! I had dug my own career’s grave by not stating clearly what I really wanted, assuming that he could read my mind.
Most of us readily expect others to KNOW what we wish, but we are the only ones who know what’s important to us.
That situation taught me to be more direct and make sure that people know exactly what I expect. Whether they will comply or not is a different thing, but at least I will never have to beat myself up for losing an opportunity to the demon of improper communication.