No Longer Afraid

Many of us probably remember when, as children, we believed monsters were lurking in the darkness of our closet, or lay hidden under our bed, patiently waiting to seize us as soon as our parents left the room. Although we were told they weren’t real, in our minds we could picture them clearly: huge and threatening, their eager, yellow, slimy fangs glimmering in the shadows, ready to swallow us in one single bite.
As adults we still fear the monsters lurking in the unknown and the forgotten, and often picture them much mightier than they really are. The monsters we fear as adults lurk behind the curtains of important decisions, or in the chambers of the mind we have chosen to lock away after being emotionally wounded. The two are quite different from one another.
The monsters we fear when we find ourselves at an important crossroad in our lives are birthed by the apprehension we feel when facing uncertainty. Most of us experience anxiety when not sure of what will unfold; we tend to expect the worst as a defense mechanism; by doing so, we are already braced for disaster before taking the turn and don’t feel as concerned with being attacked by unforeseen events. In the majority of cases, the apprehension we feel is unfounded and mostly feeds on insecurities. In some situation, we feel as if we are facing a daunting task which will drain us of vital energy; once we get started with the project – and get swept into the flow of things – the work gets done and we realize it wasn’t too bad after all.
The other type of monsters we need to face, at times, are the ones we have kept locked away in the attic of our mind, those which caused us great pain in the past and we tried to forget about, the very same ones which haunt our dreams and taint our daily life. This kind of monster is the scariest to face. After being locked away for so long, we have forgotten what it truly looks like, and our imagination paints it much bigger and much more threatening. Truth is, after being locked away for several years, the monster has weakened, and the emotional charge which we attached to it when it was free and able to harm us has depleted with time. After so much time away from it, we have also become stronger and more able to defeat it, so we no longer need to fear it as the mighty giant it used to be.
Once exposed to the light of a conscious confrontation, it will likely appear for what it truly is: an old, residual fragment of the original monster, void of energy and greatly undernourished because of the new choices we have made for ourselves. By keeping it tucked away, we have assumed that its power would never lessen, and have saved it in our mind’s eye as being as big as it was when we locked it away. We have chosen to keep it alive out of sheer fear, and fed it on occasion with our anxiety and doubts.
At some point, it is time for the monsters to be slain. It is time to bring them out and face them in the light of day; only then we will see that the fear of the monster is much larger than the monster itself.

Life Patterns

If we observe the people who walk into our lives – whether they are there to stay, or are only briefly touching our existence with their presence – we will see that they often resemble one another in character. It is not uncommon to hear people say: “I’ve married my mother” or “I’ve married my father”.
This fact struck me several years ago, when I met a girl who was involved into a very abusive relationship. She told me she was planning on leaving her spouse, and starting a new life. I talked about it with my own husband and we agreed that it would be okay for her to stay with us for a while, at least until she got on her feet. During the few months she lived with us, she opened up a little and told us that this was the fourth abusive relationship she had been into.
I was dumbstruck. The odds of running into one abusive relationship are probably fifty-fifty, but running into four of them by the age of thirty-one could not be coincidental. It was almost as if this girl had a label pasted on her forehead, advertising that she was looking for yet another violent man.
Then, one night she told me that her father was abusive to her mother and to her. He had beaten both of them physically and verbally, until the mother decided to get out of the marriage and jump into yet another abusive relationship.
That, suddenly, explained it all. As children, we absorb whatever is being fed to us, whether it is praise or judgment, respect or abuse. After taking it all in, the child has no clue what to do with it. The baggage of emotional charge connected to the events long pushed away is not discharged but safely tucked into a secret chest in the attic of the mind. Once put away and dulled by the passing of time, the child pretends it is not there, and attempts to create a life different than the one he or she dreamt of escaping.
Although the new life appears full of promise, the unreleased pain is still screaming to be taken out of its hideout and be sorted out; since the owner of the chest is not willing to take the heavy old thing out of the attic, afraid of reliving the emotional charge connected to the events tucked away, the pain trickles out of the aging, rotten wood, and sneaks out uninvited, haunting the chambers of the subconscious mind and triggering behaviors which promote unhealthy lifestyles. The wounded child is still alive and well, and needs to understand whether he or she is to blame for what happened so long ago.
Youth therapists draw painful occurrences from the well of children’s subconscious minds through role play. It is amazing what will come up from those sessions; the children reenact the very same things that have caused a trauma in their young life, over and over.
As adults we do the same; we recreate in our new life the same situations we tried to escape as children, simply to understand the role we played in the unfolding of those past events. We are attracted to and attract people who will support our role play, and the patter will continue until we have identified the matrix, and dealt with the emotional charge we put away so long ago.
Observing our life patterns will not solve all our problems, but will provide us with a valuable hint to get started in our search. All we need to do is look around ourselves and, for once, not be afraid of the monsters in the attic.

Seeds Swept in the Wind: Fate vs. Chance

Some palm readers believe that one’s future should be read from the lines of the right hand, as opposed to those in the left which are, they say, the lines of birth – the original blueprint of our destiny that was drawn prior to our arrival on earth. According to that theory, we are provided with two maps: one which reflects the plan we made before being born, and one – the right hand - which reflects the choices we will make during our journey.
At any given moment in our lives we are subject to meeting new people, entering new doors and closing others; are the events we live from day to day coincidental? Or are they points already charted on the map of our existence?
In my opinion, there is no such thing as coincidence; I believe we are born with a precise path to follow, which allows for slight revisions as we walk through life.
We are taught that humans have a gift of free will, but do we really?
If one considers the concept of time - and truly ponders on it – will realize that there is no such thing; time is merely a manmade illusion born out of sheer need to organize our existence through our limited five senses. Time is needed by our ego - which is born from our earthly body - but serves no purpose to our spirit, which is connected in nature to universal energy and is, therefore, timeless, ageless, birthless and deathless. Past, present and future are one, and are only separated by the need the human mind has to be in charge and control unfolding events.
According to this theory – if time is simply an illusion – things which are to unfold tomorrow already happened yesterday; we just have not reached them today. Many of the stars which shine brightly in our skies today have likely been dead for hundreds of thousands of years; their distance is just so great, that their light took that long to reach us and become visible to us.
Universal perfection does not allow for mistakes; we are born to the family which will create the perfect environment for the growth of our spirit, and meet countless people and situations which will support the lessons we need to learn. That said, the journey our soul chooses to embark on can sometimes be a bumpy ride, and it will take the strength of our spirit to understand the necessity of each experience and roll with the punches. We may be born to abusive parents, meet people who only seem to create obstacles, run into predicaments which will test the strength of our resolve; yet, when all is said and done, each of those situations will have taught us something, and our test truly is one of understanding the greater, unexplained importance of each occurrence.
We are the seed the wind of destiny is blowing around. We may land on fertile ground right away, or we may be deposited on barren environs for a while, waiting out our turn to be swept again toward greener grounds; or maybe we will die there, as our charted mission is that of drying in the sun and support the hungry bird who’s looking for nourishment to perpetuate its own soul agenda.
Whether our goal is that of taking center stage or merely operating the curtain ropes, our stay on earth – and that of other living beings - are all equally important, and have great value in the greater scheme of things. We are all but a drop in the vast waters of the ocean, but all together we create something powerful and beautiful, which will carry the tune of creation, and lead us harmoniously in a timeless dance of soul unity and life’s true purpose.

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall...

Very often, the person staring back at us when we look in the mirror is someone who’s been painted in our minds with the colors of personal experiences, and stroked by the brush of external opinions.
Many of us take pride in declaring we are immune from the negative perceptions of others, but are we being entirely truthful with ourselves? Since early childhood, we strongly rely on the opinion other people – mostly those we love- have of us, to help us bring our own inner image into focus. We revel in compliments which make us feel good, and cringe when others make us feel less than perfect. My daughter, for one, sees a princess every time she looks in the mirror. I’m not just saying that, mind you; she really, really does. Since birth, everybody has been telling her how sweet, pretty and good she is; in her child’s mind only princesses are sweet, pretty and good, thus, the only image of herself she can come up with is that of a princess.
We often hear of victims of abuse who see an ugly person when they stare into the mirror; in reality, some of them are really beautiful, but their broken spirit is preventing them from seeing the truth; the only image they can perceive is that of an ugly person looking back. The same can be said for individuals afflicted by eating disorders; the image staring back at them is simply a twisted reflection, deeply distorted by insecurity and fear.
The majority of the triggers which affect our self-image are planted in our minds early on; some sneak in through subliminal suggestions, but most of them are implanted, directly or indirectly, by our caregivers. We often associate goodness and worth with beauty, so if we have been made to feel not so good or unworthy we seldom see ourselves as attractive.
Once that original picture is published and stored within the archives of our mind’s screen, it is very hard to delete it and replace it with a nicer image. Even when people compliment us for our good looks, we skeptically look for excuses to undermine their opinion, and label it as non-reliable.
A simple way to replace the unwanted photo is to realize that it is possible we are seeing a distorted image. If we analyze closely the attitudes of the people who influenced us most while growing up, we will probably see that we are trying to reconfirm the image they had of us, and playing it over and over in our minds to see if they were, indeed, correct.
Our lives trickle through the limits which were imposed on us as children. By writing off some of those limits, and recognizing them for what they are - a faulty perception developed and planted by others - we can erase the board and draw a new outline. Maybe, then, the person in the mirror will finally smile back for the first time.

Fulfilling the Contract

Bastiano - a Shepard who lived a few miles away from a mountain cabin my parents used to rent as our vacation getaway - took his sheep and cows to pasture every day; while his animals grazed the fresh grass, he sat under a tree and stared into nothing. We used to watch him from a distance and wonder how he could seem so content just being alone, with nothing to do, day after day. He was quite shy, but through the years he slowly warmed up to us, and often came by to see us and chat for a few minutes. Bastiano was not a cultured man; he had stopped going to school after elementary because his family needed him to help; he had never traveled outside the area; to him, the whole world was made out of mountain peaks, trees and his animals. Bastiano was the gentlest soul I ever ran into.

All along, he used to tell us that life is nothing but a contract we all sign before we are born. Each of us has a predetermined path to follow, during the course of which we learn all the lessons we came here to learn. Each soul has a handful of fundamental truths to assimilate during its time on earth, and each person is born into the perfect life which will support their individual learning; Bastiano thought that was the reason why we choose to be born to a specific set of parents, in a pre-determined setting, and we meet certain people who will influence us throughout our journey. “Imagine”, he said once “that yoursoul has to learn humbleness. Nothing would teach you to be humble more than being handicapped or homeless, and having to rely on others for your survival. You couldn’t learn determination and strength of spirit, if you weren’t dealt some hard cards; you couldn’t learn true love without experiencing loss, you couldn’t learn patience or forgiveness without trying events.”
When I asked him if he was scared of the horned vipers slithering all around those mountains, he always smiled and said that, until his contract expired, he had no reason to be scared. His idea of life being a contract stuck with me through the years, and often, when I meet people who seem to have a catalytic value in my life – whether their arrival triggers positive or negative changes - I wonder if their name was on my original contract before I was born.
I did ask him once if it is possible to change the terms of the contract, and his answer was: “ You can change some parts through the choices you make, but definitely you can’t change the length of it; once the contract is up the job is over, whether you have finished it or not. Sometimes we think it’s over and then things turn around; in that case we are given an extension of time to make things right.”
Bastiano died at the age or thirty-six in his sleep. Although his contract was not very long, he had learnt more in his short life than most of us do in twice the time. His inner peace was paramount, and infectious to all others who spoke with him. To this day, I think Bastiano was an angel, sent briefly to earth not to learn but to teach and inspire. He certainly inspired me, and I will forever be thankful that our contracts allowed us to meet, if only for a short breath of time.

Stifling the Fire

Many go through life angry at something or someone, captive of a fire which rises undaunted through the cooling chambers of rationality eating away all that is pleasant and peaceful in their world.
In itself, anger is an irrational emotion; it literally takes over the individual and morphs the old self into a different person. If we really take a good look at an angry person objectively, all we see is someone deeply fearful.
We like to picture an angry person as a monster, someone we need to fight, but anger is, in reality, just an impressive and intimidating mask hiding a deeply embedded fear. A person who’s afraid of being alone will get angry at her partner for being late because she is afraid her partner is no longer interested in her company; the religious or political radical who goes around spewing righteous judgment and hatred against those who don’t agree with his views is nothing more than a fearful man who doubts his own beliefs, and needs people to agree with him to reconfirm those beliefs to himself.
So, should we condone others lashing out at us, simply because we understand they are victims of their own fears? Certainly not, but understanding that someone is angry in response to their own shortcomings, weaknesses, fears and doubts is an important tool to realize that we shouldn’t feel responsible for their outbursts. We can reassure them once, but apologizing for their twisted perception only enables the drama and allows it to thrive.
Two of the first weapons angry people use are guilt and shame; they dig deep, hoping to get a reaction which will justify their irrational position, and will go to great lengths to trigger the same emotion in their opponent. If their efforts don’t bear fruit – as we don’t allow the skin of our emotional response to break – their fire will simply mirror back to them, bringing the heat such an unbearable level that it will have to defuse itself rapidly in the name of self-preservation.
After all, others can throw the ball; whether we choose to catch it, and play the game, is ultimately up to us.

Watering Weeds

The tie between water and emotions is found in many spiritual traditions. In Yoruba belief, for example, the Orisha of love – known as Erzulie or Oshun depending on geographical variations – is associated to the flowing sweet waters of rivers, streams and lakes. Her sister Yemaya, the goddess of the salty waters of the ocean, is associated with motherhood and nurturing. In the Catholic faith, several Saints are also associated with water and healing.
If one thinks of it, the analogy between water and emotions proves to be quite remarkable. Water is the most important nourishment our body craves; deep emotions and nurturing are the main sustainers our minds crave in the quest to feeling whole.
A plant will stop thriving when not watered properly - and will eventually perish altogether if deprived entirely of moisture. Similarly, unwanted situations will begin to falter if we avoid “feeding” them with emotional responses. By allowing ourselves to open the flow of our emotions toward the things that we wish were not occurring we are in fact facilitating their existence and enabling their growth.
When someone experiences an internal void - and is unable to fill the emptiness with self love - they will often create a drama play aimed at triggering an emotional response in others; once the fire of emotions has been sparked, they will continue to replay the act, adding more details from time to time to ensure the audience remains captivated.
Quite often, once we interrupt someone’s drama by actively choosing to stop feeding it, the person directing the play will stop and regroup; they might choose to go elsewhere looking for their fix, or they might realize that they need to direct their attention inward, rather than outward. If anything, our personal energy will no longer be the unwilling victim of emotional greed and desperate hunger.
We can’t control the actions of others, but we can certainly choose how those actions will affect our very existence. After all, true power is not in stopping events from unfolding, but in deciding how those events will affect our lives and the choices we make for ourselves.

Daily Vitamins

Many people dutifully take vitamins every morning, work out and diet when needed, no matter how time consuming and sacrifice-demanding such steps often are.
The society we live in – one based largely on image and importance of the body – promotes and encourages us to go to great lengths to ensure good health and appearance; but how much time does the average individual invests in mental health and the pursuit of personal happiness?
Research has shown extensively how important it is to remain positive and seek the silver lining.
Let’s imagine that we went for a check-up, and the doctor told us that we need to go on a strict diet for health related reasons; most likely, we would anxiously listen, take the good doctor’s advice, and cut out all the foods that can affect us negatively.
What if that same doctor told us to go on a “mental diet”? Would we cut out all negative thoughts? Or would we just shrug our shoulders and keep living the same old way?
A rigorous mental diet is indeed very hard to follow; if one pays attention, it is amazing how much easier it is for us to pick up negative vibes than positive ones. It is interesting to try it for a day, and attempt to not give in to any negative thoughts for that window of time. It’s much easier to not eat!
The best way to achieve things is to follow the path of least resistance. We get frightened and anxious when facing something which appears paramount, but everybody is probably comfortable taking a few baby steps to learn how to walk.
So, the program is going to be very simple: at night time, before going to bed, let’s try to identify three positive things that happened throughout our day, and analyze briefly why they occurred. They could be extremely small things, such as a stranger smiling warmly, good news regarding someone we love, the chance to finish a book we really enjoy, a cup of exceptional coffee…the list is endless.
As simple as this regimen may appear, it works beautifully. We are used to dismiss simple things as ineffective, as we are conditioned to think that good results can only be achieved through exhausting work, and quality can only be purchased by exorbitant sums of money.
Ultimately, we can look at this exercise as a “mental vitamin”; it won’t cure all ills, but it will certainly ensure that we are taking steps toward improved health and renewed happiness.