I Know What You're Thinking...

“We simply assume that the way we see things is the way they really are or the way they should be. And our attitudes and behaviors grow out of these assumptions.” ~ Stephen Covey


My whole family often jokes about the fact that Angel, my parents’ cat, has forgotten he was ever a feline. Let me explain. Aside from living a golden life, the poor soul is given specific times when he is allowed to go out and get back home. No matter what time he is told to be back, he steps through the door at the exact time!

Angel was adopted nineteen years ago into a household of adults, with no children present in the home. In no time at all, he was crowned baby of the family – spoiled rotten and overly controlled. My parents and sister assume they know what he thinks and how he feels, and if I ever remind them he is a cat, from their reaction one would assume I have said the unthinkable.

Of course, as I am writing, I realize that I’m the pot calling the kettle back. Just yesterday, my daughter kept picking up our kitten, and was very adamant that he wanted to play with her – “hiding” into the fridge of her play kitchen was his idea of playing hide-and-go-seek, in her opinion. I told her to leave him alone several times, and then lost my patience. I told her that the kitten didn’t like it when someone picked him up constantly, and he wanted some space for himself. Now, was I reading the cat’s mind, or was I merely expressing what I would have liked in his place?

Our assumptions of what anyone aside from ourselves likes or feels are largely based on our individual perception. Our perception is often molded on a blueprint drawn overtime in our minds, and is hardly accurate or truthful. For example, let’s say that someone runs into a person they like a lot. If this individual says anything nice to them, they immediately assume this person likes them back, even if the object of their affection was merely being sociable.

Similarly, if someone is extremely insecure, they see betrayal lurking everywhere regardless of how loyal their partner is, or how much reassurance they are offered. Ultimately, we can’t assume anything. We can guess, but it would be wise to sit back and ask ourselves if our perception is likely to have been affected by our individual filters, which are created by our upbringing and our sense of self. As Peter Cajander, a writer, once said, nothing has any meaning except the one we give to it - everything simply is.

The Sad Cashier

“Love me when I least deserve it, because that’s when I really need it.” ~ Swedish proverb.

Just a few days ago, I went to a store and waited in line while the cashier took care of the long line of people in front of me. Even as I leafed through a magazine to pass time, I couldn’t help noticing with the corner of my eye that the cashier was edgy and seemed to be absent-minded.

I heard a couple of snappy comments directed at her, so I put down the magazine and just watched. Oblivious to the negative vibe she was quite clearly fostering around her, the cashier continued to scan items, any trace of a smile as absent from her face as sunlight on Pluto.

When my turn finally came, I put my items on the counter and watched the cashier more closely. She scanned a couple of things and looked at her wrist watch before grabbing a few more items; the pattern repeated a few times, and the anxiety on her face seemed to grow by the minute.

My first assumption was that she was eager to finish her shift, but on second thought she seemed too edgy for that to be the only reason for her scattered behavior, so I simply smiled at her and asked her if she was okay. She looked up, smiled sadly and said that she was fine but was worried about a close member of her family who was undergoing surgery at that moment. I told her I was sorry to hear and she replied that she was waiting for a phone call to confirm that the surgery had gone well.

I tried to fit her shoes for a moment, and wondered how I would feel in her position – certainly just as edgy. I thought back about the people who had shown obvious reproach at her behavior and realized then how often most of us jump to conclusions without knowing the facts. I asked the girl if she wanted to go ahead and call her family while I was there, using the excuse of a price check. She declined my offer, but the smile on her face was one of relief – although she was still worried, the fact alone of being able to voice out her worries with someone immediately lifted her spirits. I wished her loved one a speedy recovery on my way out and left the store.

We rarely know what’s going on in the lives of those we cross paths with every day. We set certain standards in our minds, and frown if the person we meet falls short of our expectations; this individual could have a thousand and one reasons to act a certain way, but, unwilling as we are to give anyone the benefit of the doubt, we judge their situations and make unfounded assumptions.

Reaching out to others is certainly more productive than lashing out at them. The reward we receive is undoubtedly greater, and it is worth the few extra seconds we have chosen to invest.

The Singer with a Fat Voice

“Assumptions allow the best in life to pass you by.” ~ John Sales


Yesterday morning I was working on one of my sites while my daughter was drawing a picture beside me. Since I had turned on the sound on my laptop earlier to listen to a song, the soundtrack of the novel video trailer came on. Without even lifting her eyes from the paper, Morgan said: “I like that song mommy. Is that guy fat like a teddy bear?”
Caught by surprise at the random question, I asked her what she meant, so she looked up at the screen and said again: “Where is the guy who is singing the song? I think he is big like my teddy bear.”

Since the only images on the video are related to scenes in the novel and don’t show the song performer, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AJPL1wqlV_Y her assumption gave me food for thought. Why would a four-year-old think someone is overweight just from hearing a voice in a video, if she had no visual trigger that would support that assumption? I showed her what the singer really looked like in another video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z8CNmEUVDjE, and she seemed surprised - the image she had conjured in her mind and the actual person didn’t match at all.

One of the greatest flaws of human nature is to assume facts before we even bother to check if our impressions are aligned with reality. We create a mental picture of someone and seal it in our mind with the fire of prejudgment, ready to jump to unsupported conclusions that are nothing more than shaky speculations.

The fact that a four-year-old was ready to prejudge someone’s appearance from the sound of his voice suggests that this type of behavior is a product of nature rather than nurture - to my knowledge nobody has ever taught my daughter that large men have throaty voices and small men don’t. If nature is at fault, it is twice as important to condition ourselves to never assume and prejudge, at least until we have gathered evidence to support our assumptions.

I believe this concept applies to most areas in our lives. Stereotyping leads to undesirable and unwarranted drama, and it explains nothing about the unique personalities of the people we encounter. When we meet anyone, we should only be clear on one thing: we know nothing about them, and prejudging an individual’s potential, character or lifestyle can only blind our ability to see the real person standing in front of us.

By conjuring a mental image we feel in control and less vulnerable to surprises. We are naturally inclined to categorize and label our experiences, and we are afraid to give strangers the benefit of a blank board, even if what we rationalize is not necessarily reality.

After watching the two videos, Morgan went back to her picture, not giving this matter any further thought, but I hope that some day – when the time comes for her to step out into the world – she will benefit from having learned that what we assume is not always what is.