Reflections

People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within. - Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

From the time they are born, humans need interaction with one another. Many studies have shown that children who lacked bonding with at least a caregiver during the first years of life have a greater tendency of developing sociopathic traits during their adult life.

Regardless of how much or little attention any of us are given, we mold our lives in response to our environment. Others dictate our self-image and worth by mechanically feeding our needs of confirmation.

Life appears easy for those who seem to have it all – looks, money, success - yet, many of these people aren’t happy. They become so accustomed to associating their self-worth and identity with the positive feedback they receive while riding the crest that if anything happens – or threatens to happen – to mar the assets they are loved for, they take a nose dive into self-pity, and they struggle to merely survive. Hollywood and music stars often stumble into the same trap. They are repeatedly told how gorgeous, talented and powerful they are, but when age or a different trend in their sector threaten their future popularity they become overwhelmed and seek solace in numbing substances.

Real people’s lives are no different. Many of us measure our worth against a superficial scale and if something comes along to undermine the identity we have built we are likely to become anxious and depressed. It is easy to feel wonderful when everything runs smooth, and people feed us positive energy. Nobody is more agreeable than the person everyone agrees with and adores.

But what happens when the going gets tough and, suddenly, the outside feed is suspended? Many will go to extremes, and morph in such ways that will ensure their energetic survival. They learn how to thrive on positive and negative energy alike, and they will associate to people they perceive stronger to appear more likeable.

Being in good terms with our inner person is essential if one chooses to be happy. True acceptance needs to initiate inside of us, not outside. Love from others will come once we have become comfortable with loving ourselves and enjoying our own company.

Love is the glue that keeps us connected to others and to ourselves, but before we can reach out to others - or hope that others will reach out to us - we must extend that hand to ourselves.

When Our Mistakes Become Who We Are

“Just because you make a mistake doesn’t mean you are a mistake.” - Georgette Mosbacher


A few days ago I had an interesting conversation with a lady I met through a friend. She was telling me about her failed marriage, and said that after many years of enduring verbal and emotional abuse she finally decided to count her losses and leave.

It took her so long, she said, because her children were young and she was afraid of not being able to financially weather the separation. She had gone to college before meeting her husband, and had dropped out when she had become pregnant with her first daughter. After that, she had been a stay-at-home mom, and her children had been the light of her existence. She stated that being a mom had been the only thing she knew how to do.

I looked at her in surprise – certainly there has to be something else she is good at and likes to do. When I told her that, her eyes filled with tears. She said that no matter how hard she tries she is a failure by nature. That chilled my blood. Her husband had pointed out her mistakes so often that she had come to believe she could do nothing right. She believed she is the mistake.

After being exposed so long to the verbal attacks, her mind had looked for a reason to justify the abuse, and had come to accept that she deserves it somehow. She felt incapable, unattractive and helpless, regardless of the fact that she is a beautiful and skilled woman.

As we delved deeper into the conversation, she volunteered a little more information – her father had also been quite verbally abusive. She knew he always loved her but had never really accepted that she was different than he.

Her wounds had been patiently etched into the core of her self-worth over time, and at the hands of multiple people. There was a pattern at work here, and I wondered if she was even aware of it. By assuming that her father was right in his criticism – after all he loved her and wouldn’t lie to her, would he? – she had come to accept that she was unworthy of his love. Feeling subconsciously guilty of causing her father unneeded grief, she had sought to continue the punishment he had “lovingly” inflicted on her by marrying a man who was similar to him.

When I pointed out the similarity, she was genuinely surprised and oddly recharged. She asked if I made mistakes often, to which I could only smile - If mistakes were a monetary fund I could easily be set for retirement. Yet, learning from my mistakes has led me to be the person I am today, and I wouldn’t change them for anything.

Mistakes don’t define our character but rather display the mechanisms we use in response to challenges. Someone once said that the worst mistake is our fear of making mistakes, as being afraid to fail will prevents us from trying. Actions can be a mistake, not people. I hope that someday she will be strong enough to see that.

Springing Forth into the Light

“Light gives of itself freely, filling all available space. It does not seek anything in return; it asks not whether you are friend or foe. It gives of itself and is not thereby diminished.” ~Michael Strassfeld

Last night, time finally sprung an hour forward – a comforting sign that spring is at the door. As the short, cold and gloomy days of winter are ready to retire, many of us are ready to get out more and play in the sunshine.

It has long been proven that light has a beneficial effect on the mind. In fact, people who live in countries where sunshine is an occasional luxury are more prone to depression. The long dark hours in the winter stimulate us to remain indoors more, often alone, and push us to face ourselves.

I find it very interesting that night time is always associated to spooks and crazy events. All that we fear seems to lurk in the darkness – facing ourselves can also lead us to unexpected, scary realizations we would sometimes prefer to avoid.

Getting out in the sunshine is a break from our inner introspections. It allows us to catch our breath before diving in again the next winter, and gives us the chance to grow stronger as we gradually dig a little deeper. Very few beings can survive away from the light, as its essence melts down the ice of our fears, and improves our focus.

Assuming that our physical world is but a reflection of our inner world, we can easily determine the importance spiritual light has on our reality. If a plant is given enough water but not enough light it will quickly wither, as although it has the physical nourishment it needs, it’s not able to convert it into what it needs to sustain itself. Similarly, we can have all we need to physically survive, but if light is missing from our world, we are unable to adequately process the blessings around us.

As the light of the sun, spiritual light is an endless source of rebirth. It can spread out in all directions and never go to waste. When we choose to share our light with others, we can do so regardless of who they are. If they are ready to use it at that point of their life, it will trickle toward them and soak in. If, instead, they are not ready to accept it at that time, it will bounce off and affect someone else around them.

Everything has an antidote – everything can be neutralized by its opposite. We can’t fight fire with fire, or hatred with more hatred; we can’t stop the properties of an acid but with a base; we can’t stop hunger until we are ready to offer nourishment.
The light of unconditional love is a blade able to slice through the barrier of darkness. It’s a flame of peace and acceptance that will chase away the monsters that lurk deep within.