Holiday Blues

When we think of holidays, the first thing that comes to mind is the time we will spend with our loved ones, but what happens when our loved ones are no longer there to share the cheer? As happy and cheerful as the holiday season is for some, it is probably the hardest time of year for those who have lost someone they love.

Several years ago – when I first moved to the US, far away from most I hold dear – a friend gave me a small book entitled “There’s No Such Place As Far Away” by Richard Bach. I didn’t touch it for a while; then, one morning, as I was sitting alone in my empty apartment, feeling alone and disconnected from everyone, I picked the little book up and began to read. It was the story of a little boy who had moved really far away from his best friend. On the day of his friend’s birthday he wanted to celebrate with him, and the pain he felt in his heart, being so far away, was overwhelming and unbearable. He asked several birds if they could help him get to his friend’s house, and all of them told him they were too small to carry him or they had other things to do. Finally, a wise bird told the little boy: “If you truly love your friend, aren’t you already there with him? The only thing that separates you from him is space, and space is never larger than love.” The little boy thought about it for a while, then realized the bird was right. His friend loved him, and knew he was loved back; most of all, his friend would not want him to be sad on such a special day; the best thing the little boy could do would be to look in his heart and find the joy his friend’s birthday brought to him, whether they could spend it together or not. So the little boy went on about his day, wishing his friend a happy birthday and knowing that, even if they were apart, their memories joined them forever.

True love and friendship cannot be cut short by boundaries of time, space or form. When we truly love someone, we can still be with them through the power of the memories built together and know they will never leave us, as the sound of their voice will forever echo through the walls of our hearts.

Our loved ones would not want to see us unhappy; although they crossed over and shed their outer shell, their true essence is still with us, and the love they felt for us is still alive. Rather than feeling guilty or empty at the thought of celebrating a special day without them, we should make it a point to celebrate it in their honor. A Christmas song, or a Thanksgiving meal, should not be daggers in the heart, but chances to reminisce the happy moments we spent with our loved ones while they were still with us; a beautiful array of decorations should not feel like an insult to our grief, but remind us of the times we decked the halls together.

By letting go of the pain we are not letting go of the love for the person who’s no longer with us. The grief we feel is an invisible chain we hang on to in the hope of remaining connected somehow, a silver cord which prevents us from separating completely. Although we may feel as if we are shamefully betraying our loved ones by daring to be happy without them, we are instead honoring their memory by infusing life into a moment they would love to share with us, and we can respectfully thank them for the beautiful memories they have gifted us with.

Choices

“If you are standing upright, don’t worry if your shadow is crooked.” ~ Chinese proverb


The past two weeks I’ve been reading an awesome book, the title of which was the selection of our book club for this month. In the story, Jimmy is one of three friends who meet as children and find their lives strangely reconnected as they become adults. Compared to his friends, Jimmy had all the ingredients for a disastrous recipe – a drunken father, an emotionally detached mother, and a childhood spent in a rundown neighborhood amid crime and poverty.

When Jimmy meets his second wife – after his first wife dies of cancer – she asks him if it is true that living a life of crime is in his blood. Jimmy, wanting to make a good impression on her, but also quite honest in the way he feels, replies that a more prominent tendency to commit crimes might be part of his DNA, but it is up to him whether he will ever allow it to get out or not. Being solely responsible for his small child after the death of his wife, he is determined to live honestly and within the boundaries of the law.

When I read that part, I was stunned at the accuracy of the statement...Jimmy is completely right. Regardless of what’s handed to us at birth, or throughout part of our lives when we were not in a position to change circumstances, we are in charge of what will happen to us and to our loved ones from this moment on.

Certainly, if one has lived a horrible reality, it is understandable that they feel compelled to act a certain way, yet, they are still responsible for the choices they make in the present, and those they will make it in the future. While past legacies and past mistakes might explain the cause of a certain type of behavior, they still don’t excuse it.

At some point, one must choose if they will continue to abuse themselves and others using their past as a validation for their poor choices or if they will pick themselves up and decide that enough is enough.

The cards one is dealt are important, but the game still has to be played before anyone can be labeled a winner or a loser. We have no choice on the cards we get, but we do have control on how we will manage our hand.

The Dog and the Old Man

“The golden moments in the stream of life rush past us and we see nothing but sand; the angels come to visit us, and we only know them when they are gone.” ~George Elliot

I would like to share a story that my mother-in-law sent me a while back. The story is told by a young lady whose father struggles with personal anger after he can no longer work as a lumberjack because of health issues. After suffering a heart attack, he is invited to live with his daughter and her husband, but as days go by, tension begins to rise. The father is resentful of his declining health and lashes out at everyone.

The young woman prays for a resolution, but for months God is silent. Finally, she decides to call several clinics hoping to find some advice. During one of those calls, a friendly lady tells her about an article she has read about people with the same symptoms greatly benefiting from caring for a pet.

She drives to the local shelter to look for a dog, but none seem right for her father. Then, she spots a pointer in the last pen. Years have etched his face and muzzle with shades of gray; his hipbones jut out in lopsided triangles, but his eyes are calm and clear. She asks the attendant about the dog and is told that he just showed up near the shelter two weeks before.

When she gets home, she shows her father the dog she got for him, but he replies angrily that he doesn’t want a pet, and definitely not one so old and frail. Tension rises, and father and daughter face each other down as if preparing to duel. Just then, the dog walks up to the old man, sits in front of him, and raises his paw to touch the man’s leg. Time stands still. The old man continues to look at the dog who just sits there calmly, his paw still raised. He finally kneels down and takes the dog’s paw in his hand. From that day on they are inseparable. Within the course of a few months, all the anger, frustration and tension wash away, as the old man and his dog become more closely connected.

One night, the dog walks into the young lady’s room, whimpering. Considering the fact quite strange, she rushes to her father’s room. She finds him in his bed, his face peacefully relaxed and at ease in his final sleep. The dog raises his paw and touches him for one last time.

It’s not until the dog has passed away - and she reminisces about her father’s last few months - that the young lady realizes something important. She had prayed for her father to find peace, and had thought her prayers had gone unanswered. Yet they hadn’t. The girl on the phone and the dog were angels she hadn’t recognized. At the time, everything had seemed coincidental but none of it was – the woman, the article, and the dog that had mysteriously appeared at the shelter out of nowhere.

Prayers often seem to go unanswered because they don’t manifest as we imagined. We expect a result which will pacify our wants, because we are not aware of our true needs.

Sometimes the path to our greater good is an uncharted one, yet if we follow it with faith it will lead us where we need to go.