No Longer Afraid

Many of us probably remember when, as children, we believed monsters were lurking in the darkness of our closet, or lay hidden under our bed, patiently waiting to seize us as soon as our parents left the room. Although we were told they weren’t real, in our minds we could picture them clearly: huge and threatening, their eager, yellow, slimy fangs glimmering in the shadows, ready to swallow us in one single bite.
As adults we still fear the monsters lurking in the unknown and the forgotten, and often picture them much mightier than they really are. The monsters we fear as adults lurk behind the curtains of important decisions, or in the chambers of the mind we have chosen to lock away after being emotionally wounded. The two are quite different from one another.
The monsters we fear when we find ourselves at an important crossroad in our lives are birthed by the apprehension we feel when facing uncertainty. Most of us experience anxiety when not sure of what will unfold; we tend to expect the worst as a defense mechanism; by doing so, we are already braced for disaster before taking the turn and don’t feel as concerned with being attacked by unforeseen events. In the majority of cases, the apprehension we feel is unfounded and mostly feeds on insecurities. In some situation, we feel as if we are facing a daunting task which will drain us of vital energy; once we get started with the project – and get swept into the flow of things – the work gets done and we realize it wasn’t too bad after all.
The other type of monsters we need to face, at times, are the ones we have kept locked away in the attic of our mind, those which caused us great pain in the past and we tried to forget about, the very same ones which haunt our dreams and taint our daily life. This kind of monster is the scariest to face. After being locked away for so long, we have forgotten what it truly looks like, and our imagination paints it much bigger and much more threatening. Truth is, after being locked away for several years, the monster has weakened, and the emotional charge which we attached to it when it was free and able to harm us has depleted with time. After so much time away from it, we have also become stronger and more able to defeat it, so we no longer need to fear it as the mighty giant it used to be.
Once exposed to the light of a conscious confrontation, it will likely appear for what it truly is: an old, residual fragment of the original monster, void of energy and greatly undernourished because of the new choices we have made for ourselves. By keeping it tucked away, we have assumed that its power would never lessen, and have saved it in our mind’s eye as being as big as it was when we locked it away. We have chosen to keep it alive out of sheer fear, and fed it on occasion with our anxiety and doubts.
At some point, it is time for the monsters to be slain. It is time to bring them out and face them in the light of day; only then we will see that the fear of the monster is much larger than the monster itself.

Life Patterns

If we observe the people who walk into our lives – whether they are there to stay, or are only briefly touching our existence with their presence – we will see that they often resemble one another in character. It is not uncommon to hear people say: “I’ve married my mother” or “I’ve married my father”.
This fact struck me several years ago, when I met a girl who was involved into a very abusive relationship. She told me she was planning on leaving her spouse, and starting a new life. I talked about it with my own husband and we agreed that it would be okay for her to stay with us for a while, at least until she got on her feet. During the few months she lived with us, she opened up a little and told us that this was the fourth abusive relationship she had been into.
I was dumbstruck. The odds of running into one abusive relationship are probably fifty-fifty, but running into four of them by the age of thirty-one could not be coincidental. It was almost as if this girl had a label pasted on her forehead, advertising that she was looking for yet another violent man.
Then, one night she told me that her father was abusive to her mother and to her. He had beaten both of them physically and verbally, until the mother decided to get out of the marriage and jump into yet another abusive relationship.
That, suddenly, explained it all. As children, we absorb whatever is being fed to us, whether it is praise or judgment, respect or abuse. After taking it all in, the child has no clue what to do with it. The baggage of emotional charge connected to the events long pushed away is not discharged but safely tucked into a secret chest in the attic of the mind. Once put away and dulled by the passing of time, the child pretends it is not there, and attempts to create a life different than the one he or she dreamt of escaping.
Although the new life appears full of promise, the unreleased pain is still screaming to be taken out of its hideout and be sorted out; since the owner of the chest is not willing to take the heavy old thing out of the attic, afraid of reliving the emotional charge connected to the events tucked away, the pain trickles out of the aging, rotten wood, and sneaks out uninvited, haunting the chambers of the subconscious mind and triggering behaviors which promote unhealthy lifestyles. The wounded child is still alive and well, and needs to understand whether he or she is to blame for what happened so long ago.
Youth therapists draw painful occurrences from the well of children’s subconscious minds through role play. It is amazing what will come up from those sessions; the children reenact the very same things that have caused a trauma in their young life, over and over.
As adults we do the same; we recreate in our new life the same situations we tried to escape as children, simply to understand the role we played in the unfolding of those past events. We are attracted to and attract people who will support our role play, and the patter will continue until we have identified the matrix, and dealt with the emotional charge we put away so long ago.
Observing our life patterns will not solve all our problems, but will provide us with a valuable hint to get started in our search. All we need to do is look around ourselves and, for once, not be afraid of the monsters in the attic.

Seeds Swept in the Wind: Fate vs. Chance

Some palm readers believe that one’s future should be read from the lines of the right hand, as opposed to those in the left which are, they say, the lines of birth – the original blueprint of our destiny that was drawn prior to our arrival on earth. According to that theory, we are provided with two maps: one which reflects the plan we made before being born, and one – the right hand - which reflects the choices we will make during our journey.
At any given moment in our lives we are subject to meeting new people, entering new doors and closing others; are the events we live from day to day coincidental? Or are they points already charted on the map of our existence?
In my opinion, there is no such thing as coincidence; I believe we are born with a precise path to follow, which allows for slight revisions as we walk through life.
We are taught that humans have a gift of free will, but do we really?
If one considers the concept of time - and truly ponders on it – will realize that there is no such thing; time is merely a manmade illusion born out of sheer need to organize our existence through our limited five senses. Time is needed by our ego - which is born from our earthly body - but serves no purpose to our spirit, which is connected in nature to universal energy and is, therefore, timeless, ageless, birthless and deathless. Past, present and future are one, and are only separated by the need the human mind has to be in charge and control unfolding events.
According to this theory – if time is simply an illusion – things which are to unfold tomorrow already happened yesterday; we just have not reached them today. Many of the stars which shine brightly in our skies today have likely been dead for hundreds of thousands of years; their distance is just so great, that their light took that long to reach us and become visible to us.
Universal perfection does not allow for mistakes; we are born to the family which will create the perfect environment for the growth of our spirit, and meet countless people and situations which will support the lessons we need to learn. That said, the journey our soul chooses to embark on can sometimes be a bumpy ride, and it will take the strength of our spirit to understand the necessity of each experience and roll with the punches. We may be born to abusive parents, meet people who only seem to create obstacles, run into predicaments which will test the strength of our resolve; yet, when all is said and done, each of those situations will have taught us something, and our test truly is one of understanding the greater, unexplained importance of each occurrence.
We are the seed the wind of destiny is blowing around. We may land on fertile ground right away, or we may be deposited on barren environs for a while, waiting out our turn to be swept again toward greener grounds; or maybe we will die there, as our charted mission is that of drying in the sun and support the hungry bird who’s looking for nourishment to perpetuate its own soul agenda.
Whether our goal is that of taking center stage or merely operating the curtain ropes, our stay on earth – and that of other living beings - are all equally important, and have great value in the greater scheme of things. We are all but a drop in the vast waters of the ocean, but all together we create something powerful and beautiful, which will carry the tune of creation, and lead us harmoniously in a timeless dance of soul unity and life’s true purpose.

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall...

Very often, the person staring back at us when we look in the mirror is someone who’s been painted in our minds with the colors of personal experiences, and stroked by the brush of external opinions.
Many of us take pride in declaring we are immune from the negative perceptions of others, but are we being entirely truthful with ourselves? Since early childhood, we strongly rely on the opinion other people – mostly those we love- have of us, to help us bring our own inner image into focus. We revel in compliments which make us feel good, and cringe when others make us feel less than perfect. My daughter, for one, sees a princess every time she looks in the mirror. I’m not just saying that, mind you; she really, really does. Since birth, everybody has been telling her how sweet, pretty and good she is; in her child’s mind only princesses are sweet, pretty and good, thus, the only image of herself she can come up with is that of a princess.
We often hear of victims of abuse who see an ugly person when they stare into the mirror; in reality, some of them are really beautiful, but their broken spirit is preventing them from seeing the truth; the only image they can perceive is that of an ugly person looking back. The same can be said for individuals afflicted by eating disorders; the image staring back at them is simply a twisted reflection, deeply distorted by insecurity and fear.
The majority of the triggers which affect our self-image are planted in our minds early on; some sneak in through subliminal suggestions, but most of them are implanted, directly or indirectly, by our caregivers. We often associate goodness and worth with beauty, so if we have been made to feel not so good or unworthy we seldom see ourselves as attractive.
Once that original picture is published and stored within the archives of our mind’s screen, it is very hard to delete it and replace it with a nicer image. Even when people compliment us for our good looks, we skeptically look for excuses to undermine their opinion, and label it as non-reliable.
A simple way to replace the unwanted photo is to realize that it is possible we are seeing a distorted image. If we analyze closely the attitudes of the people who influenced us most while growing up, we will probably see that we are trying to reconfirm the image they had of us, and playing it over and over in our minds to see if they were, indeed, correct.
Our lives trickle through the limits which were imposed on us as children. By writing off some of those limits, and recognizing them for what they are - a faulty perception developed and planted by others - we can erase the board and draw a new outline. Maybe, then, the person in the mirror will finally smile back for the first time.

Fulfilling the Contract

Bastiano - a Shepard who lived a few miles away from a mountain cabin my parents used to rent as our vacation getaway - took his sheep and cows to pasture every day; while his animals grazed the fresh grass, he sat under a tree and stared into nothing. We used to watch him from a distance and wonder how he could seem so content just being alone, with nothing to do, day after day. He was quite shy, but through the years he slowly warmed up to us, and often came by to see us and chat for a few minutes. Bastiano was not a cultured man; he had stopped going to school after elementary because his family needed him to help; he had never traveled outside the area; to him, the whole world was made out of mountain peaks, trees and his animals. Bastiano was the gentlest soul I ever ran into.

All along, he used to tell us that life is nothing but a contract we all sign before we are born. Each of us has a predetermined path to follow, during the course of which we learn all the lessons we came here to learn. Each soul has a handful of fundamental truths to assimilate during its time on earth, and each person is born into the perfect life which will support their individual learning; Bastiano thought that was the reason why we choose to be born to a specific set of parents, in a pre-determined setting, and we meet certain people who will influence us throughout our journey. “Imagine”, he said once “that yoursoul has to learn humbleness. Nothing would teach you to be humble more than being handicapped or homeless, and having to rely on others for your survival. You couldn’t learn determination and strength of spirit, if you weren’t dealt some hard cards; you couldn’t learn true love without experiencing loss, you couldn’t learn patience or forgiveness without trying events.”
When I asked him if he was scared of the horned vipers slithering all around those mountains, he always smiled and said that, until his contract expired, he had no reason to be scared. His idea of life being a contract stuck with me through the years, and often, when I meet people who seem to have a catalytic value in my life – whether their arrival triggers positive or negative changes - I wonder if their name was on my original contract before I was born.
I did ask him once if it is possible to change the terms of the contract, and his answer was: “ You can change some parts through the choices you make, but definitely you can’t change the length of it; once the contract is up the job is over, whether you have finished it or not. Sometimes we think it’s over and then things turn around; in that case we are given an extension of time to make things right.”
Bastiano died at the age or thirty-six in his sleep. Although his contract was not very long, he had learnt more in his short life than most of us do in twice the time. His inner peace was paramount, and infectious to all others who spoke with him. To this day, I think Bastiano was an angel, sent briefly to earth not to learn but to teach and inspire. He certainly inspired me, and I will forever be thankful that our contracts allowed us to meet, if only for a short breath of time.

Stifling the Fire

Many go through life angry at something or someone, captive of a fire which rises undaunted through the cooling chambers of rationality eating away all that is pleasant and peaceful in their world.
In itself, anger is an irrational emotion; it literally takes over the individual and morphs the old self into a different person. If we really take a good look at an angry person objectively, all we see is someone deeply fearful.
We like to picture an angry person as a monster, someone we need to fight, but anger is, in reality, just an impressive and intimidating mask hiding a deeply embedded fear. A person who’s afraid of being alone will get angry at her partner for being late because she is afraid her partner is no longer interested in her company; the religious or political radical who goes around spewing righteous judgment and hatred against those who don’t agree with his views is nothing more than a fearful man who doubts his own beliefs, and needs people to agree with him to reconfirm those beliefs to himself.
So, should we condone others lashing out at us, simply because we understand they are victims of their own fears? Certainly not, but understanding that someone is angry in response to their own shortcomings, weaknesses, fears and doubts is an important tool to realize that we shouldn’t feel responsible for their outbursts. We can reassure them once, but apologizing for their twisted perception only enables the drama and allows it to thrive.
Two of the first weapons angry people use are guilt and shame; they dig deep, hoping to get a reaction which will justify their irrational position, and will go to great lengths to trigger the same emotion in their opponent. If their efforts don’t bear fruit – as we don’t allow the skin of our emotional response to break – their fire will simply mirror back to them, bringing the heat such an unbearable level that it will have to defuse itself rapidly in the name of self-preservation.
After all, others can throw the ball; whether we choose to catch it, and play the game, is ultimately up to us.

Watering Weeds

The tie between water and emotions is found in many spiritual traditions. In Yoruba belief, for example, the Orisha of love – known as Erzulie or Oshun depending on geographical variations – is associated to the flowing sweet waters of rivers, streams and lakes. Her sister Yemaya, the goddess of the salty waters of the ocean, is associated with motherhood and nurturing. In the Catholic faith, several Saints are also associated with water and healing.
If one thinks of it, the analogy between water and emotions proves to be quite remarkable. Water is the most important nourishment our body craves; deep emotions and nurturing are the main sustainers our minds crave in the quest to feeling whole.
A plant will stop thriving when not watered properly - and will eventually perish altogether if deprived entirely of moisture. Similarly, unwanted situations will begin to falter if we avoid “feeding” them with emotional responses. By allowing ourselves to open the flow of our emotions toward the things that we wish were not occurring we are in fact facilitating their existence and enabling their growth.
When someone experiences an internal void - and is unable to fill the emptiness with self love - they will often create a drama play aimed at triggering an emotional response in others; once the fire of emotions has been sparked, they will continue to replay the act, adding more details from time to time to ensure the audience remains captivated.
Quite often, once we interrupt someone’s drama by actively choosing to stop feeding it, the person directing the play will stop and regroup; they might choose to go elsewhere looking for their fix, or they might realize that they need to direct their attention inward, rather than outward. If anything, our personal energy will no longer be the unwilling victim of emotional greed and desperate hunger.
We can’t control the actions of others, but we can certainly choose how those actions will affect our very existence. After all, true power is not in stopping events from unfolding, but in deciding how those events will affect our lives and the choices we make for ourselves.

Daily Vitamins

Many people dutifully take vitamins every morning, work out and diet when needed, no matter how time consuming and sacrifice-demanding such steps often are.
The society we live in – one based largely on image and importance of the body – promotes and encourages us to go to great lengths to ensure good health and appearance; but how much time does the average individual invests in mental health and the pursuit of personal happiness?
Research has shown extensively how important it is to remain positive and seek the silver lining.
Let’s imagine that we went for a check-up, and the doctor told us that we need to go on a strict diet for health related reasons; most likely, we would anxiously listen, take the good doctor’s advice, and cut out all the foods that can affect us negatively.
What if that same doctor told us to go on a “mental diet”? Would we cut out all negative thoughts? Or would we just shrug our shoulders and keep living the same old way?
A rigorous mental diet is indeed very hard to follow; if one pays attention, it is amazing how much easier it is for us to pick up negative vibes than positive ones. It is interesting to try it for a day, and attempt to not give in to any negative thoughts for that window of time. It’s much easier to not eat!
The best way to achieve things is to follow the path of least resistance. We get frightened and anxious when facing something which appears paramount, but everybody is probably comfortable taking a few baby steps to learn how to walk.
So, the program is going to be very simple: at night time, before going to bed, let’s try to identify three positive things that happened throughout our day, and analyze briefly why they occurred. They could be extremely small things, such as a stranger smiling warmly, good news regarding someone we love, the chance to finish a book we really enjoy, a cup of exceptional coffee…the list is endless.
As simple as this regimen may appear, it works beautifully. We are used to dismiss simple things as ineffective, as we are conditioned to think that good results can only be achieved through exhausting work, and quality can only be purchased by exorbitant sums of money.
Ultimately, we can look at this exercise as a “mental vitamin”; it won’t cure all ills, but it will certainly ensure that we are taking steps toward improved health and renewed happiness.

Balancing our Inner bank Account

Mostly everyone is familiar with balancing a bank account. In order for it to remain in the positive we must put in more money than we get out.
If we draw more money than we can replace, the bank account will quickly fall in the red, and we will be hit by over-draft charges which will make it even harder to stand back up on our feet.
On the contrary, if we deposit more money than we need to withdraw for expenses, we will soon be able to have a nice, little nest egg that will give us peace of mind and can cover up unexpected expenses.
Imagine now that the bank account is our life, and the funds are our personal energy.
By enabling other people to affect us with their emotional debt, we allow our own account to become faulty. Our own personal energy will be absorbed into their drama, and will dissipate faster than we can replace it. Our own energy bank account will soon be in the red.
On the other hand, if we can become detached from the fires that others around us start with the purpose of upsetting us – and are able to generate more personal energy by focusing on things that benefit our lives and that of others without becoming part of the drama - our account will be secured and will never run out.
Our energy is like cash; there has to be a balanced flow between what goes out and what comes in. If we choose to invest it in ventures that promise a good return, then it is a smart financial idea. If, instead, we choose to invest our hard-earned energy in shady deals we should not be surprised to be falling into deficit.
We would not just give our debit card and pin number to a stranger, or to a person who, we know, will just draw our money out and waste it without a second thought.
Should we not be just as cautious with out personal energy?

Fact of Sensory Illusion?

Have you ever wondered if others see and hear the same things you do?
After all, images and sounds are picked up by our senses, and then transferred to our brain for processing. What if our brain -conditioned by previous experiences and teachings - decodes information in a bias fashion? Could a person say one thing and we hear another?
That would certainly explain why people don't seem to find a common ground, at times, or why some find a particular person or thing beautiful while others consider the same thing unattractive or unpleasant. In my personal experience, I know there have been situations when I said one thing and others understood something completely different; it was like we were on entirely different agendas.
What about those cases when the same thing is observed or heard by multiple individuals? Could it be that the response we hear from others is also biased and "produced" by our brain? Is it possible that we "decide" what we are going to hear from others, and selectively choose who will agree with us and who won't?
The hidden triggers in our subconscious have the power to affect our actions and the way we personally approach things, so it would only make sense that they have an impact on the way we see or hear.

The Shadow Twin

Have you ever wondered how many personas live inside the mind of others you encounter? Can you say that the people you know are exactly who you think they are, or is there a possibility that many of them have other faces you have never encountered?
Criminal psychology shows that most sociopaths have multiple alter-egos; those who have had the opportunity to meet infamous serial killers such as Ted Bundy describe them as charming, socially brilliant, and seemingly abiding to societal rules.
It is quite hard to comprehend that a wonderful person and a monster can live within the same bodily confines; yet, it happens all the time. Writers and film producers have exploited this intriguing symbiosis through the symbolism of werewolves and vampires; the most successful attempt at explaining this phenomenon was achieved with the production of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
Although similar to developing multiple personalities as a defense mechanism, the Jekyll/Hyde syndrome is quite different. Individuals do not form extra personalities to absorb the blunt of painful experiences happening at that moment in their lives; rather, they are taught to be nice and socially apt, but feel entirely inadequate and alone. Thus, while maintaining a pleasant face in the eyes of society, they feel the periodical need to take the mask down and lash anger out.
Because these individuals feel like nobody can truly love their shadow-selves, they take extra care in polishing their social skills, and only vent their frustration and pain toward people they have no connections with, simply because that’s a viable way to be the person they are without being exposed. They thrive on negative attention, and get their fix out of triggering fear and anger in their targets. They tend a trap and wait for the target to fall, enjoying all along the extra energy that is being fed in their direction.
The human mind is a puzzle which science has only begun to identify the pieces of. We all have a shadow side we were taught to suppress; in some, it is more extreme than others, but if we could glimpse at the brains of those surrounding us we would probably be constantly surprised by the actual thoughts rushing through their minds.
What about you? Who is your shadow twin?

The Dormant Seed

The story of the bamboo and the fern tells of a man who, after losing all hope, goes to God and asks for one final reason why he should not quit on life; God tells him to look around at the bamboo and the fern. When He planted the seeds – God explains – the fern sprouted almost immediately, and continued to prosper more each year; the bamboo seed, on the contrary, did not sprout or do anything for five years. Yet, when it finally broke out of the ground, it grew to heights previously unimagined. The time it remained dormant, the seed was never idle; it simply used that time to incubate within the warm womb of the earth and grow strong roots.
The things that truly mean something in our lives are not the ones that sprout immediately. Our love and dedication, our passion and determination incubate and lay powerful roots which will allow our creations to have a long prosperous life.
Kids are a wonderful example of this concept. Often, we don’t see the results of our teachings until our children make their own way into the world. Although we may question our own parenting skills while we are raising them and walk with them through the many challenging phases of growing up, the values, morals and concepts we instill in them lay dormant within, and use the time to develop a root system which will support them once they are out on their own.
The same applies to any project we feel passionate about. We may feel as if we are wasting our time by working hard toward something which is nor yielding instant gratification, but our efforts will be rewarded in due time.
Each moment we dedicate to our projects, each new thing we learn, are steps which get us a little close to the day when our dreams will finally break the hard soil and will grow proudly to heights we never imagined possible.

The Things We Don't see

There was once a little old man who went to stay at a nursing home for the blind. He had no family left, and had spent the last few years in different institutions.
He waited patiently in the waiting room until a nurse gently nudged him to get up from his chair. “Good morning Mr. Wallace” she said, “If you are ready we can go up to your room now.”
Mr. Wallace smiled sweetly and sighed. “I just can’t wait.” He said, “it’s going to be wonderful to stay in such a beautiful room.”
The nurse smiled back and led him to the elevator. On the way up she attempted to describe the room and all that was in it; Mr. Wallace would never see those things, but it would probably comfort him to know what was waiting for him.
“I love it. I just love it.” Said Mr. Wallace.
The nurse couldn’t help smiling. “But Mr. Wallace, how can you so passionately love something you haven’t seen and that you will never see?”
“Because, dear child” said Mr. Wallace, “I have already decided that I like it. I know it’s there, whether I can see it or not. We give value only to that which we see, and discredit that which we do not see. I don’t see air, yet I’m still breathing and happy to be alive. I can’t hold air but I know it’s there. Some of the things we don’t see are the greatest gifts we are ever given.”
What we see, feel, and hear is only a fraction of what’s truly there.

For Better or Worse

I recently finished reading a book, written by ST Underdhal, entitled “Remember This”.
"Remember This" is the story of Lucy Kellogg, an elderly lady - once independent and dynamic - whose grip on reality slowly slips away as she surrenders to the unforgiving talons of Alzheimer disease. Lucy Kellogg loses things, confuses reality and fantasy, gets lost herself, but ultimately remembers those who hold a special place in her heart. The pain Lucy's son feels as he watches his mother slowly losing her connection to reality - and reversing back to being a child - is almost tangible. I thought about this book yesterday, as I ran into an older couple, while visiting my husband at work. At first sight, the couple looked suave and very ordinary, until I noticed the lady was slightly on edge, and followed her husband’s every move with apprehension. I sat with them and struck a conversation, and quickly learned that her husband has Alzheimer disease.
She told me a bit of the struggle they go through on a daily basis, and of the paralyzing fear which takes hold of her anytime she loses him out of her sight for even brief periods. She told me about the patience that’s required in taking care of someone afflicted with the disease, especially in the final stages, and sadly stated that her two sons – both grown and living out of state –refuse to help in any way. Furthermore, she said, they have no visible patience whenever they visit, and quickly lose their temper with him.
As the lady spoke I could feel my heart breaking for her husband, and for her. They raised two sons, sacrificed years of their lives to make sure their boys were well taken care of, and once they needed a small return of love and comprehension, it was simply not there. Talk about biting the hand that feeds you.
I thought about all the situations when I lose my own patience. It is easy to become irritated when people are on a different page, but how could it ever get this far? How could I fault someone for not being mentally sound? I thought about my parents, and all they have sacrificed to raise me into the woman I am now, and knew that although patience is not my greatest virtue, I could never do that to them.
Before leaving, I looked at the gentleman sitting beside her; He was like a small child living in his own world, comfortable in the knowledge that his wife was there to take care of him. I stood up and hugged the lady, wishing her good luck. The gentleman looked up at me, a confused look curtained his soft, gentle eyes; it was as if he noticed me then for the first time. I leaned over and hugged him too. He smiled and hugged me back.
When I left, I turned around twice to look at the couple through the glass windows. They looked so sweet sitting there together. I silently said a small prayer for the lady to continue being strong, and for the gentleman to go through these last stages of his ordeal with the smallest amount of discomfort. I also said a small prayer of gratitude, for being allowed to witness, on an ordinary day, such an extraordinary display of genuine love.

Is That What I Truly Want?

In the many years we have known each other, I‘ve always heard my friend Caroline complain of the fact that she lives alone and has no children. Yet, every time she comes to my house for the day – and is exposed to the zoo of family life for more than an hour – she is ready to bolt out the door and find the peace and solitude she habitually claims to hate.
I often hear people complain about everything; their spouses, their homes, their jobs, their children, the time they spend alone. As humans, we spend a great deal of our time focusing on, and complaining about, what we don’t have, never really ready to acknowledge the fact that what we do have is truly what’s right for us.
We behave similarly in relation to weather conditions. In the winter we dream of being somewhere warm; we complain of the cold and rain, and can hardly wait for the dog days of summer, when, once again, we’ll be able to shed the heavy clothes and feel the hot kiss of sunshine on our skin. Yet, as soon as summer comes - after just a few weeks - we complain of the heat, and talk dreamily of the cool weather we will experience in the fall and winter.
Opposite conditions allow us to appreciate what we normally take for granted.
Many can relate to the excitement felt when company is ready to come visit; we plan wonderful moments and are eager to catch up on conversations; yet, after a few days, we are ready to claim back the life we had, our routines, our moments alone. It’s not that we don’t love the company, but we are ready to be back in our own space.
Ultimately, if we never lost our jobs, we’d never appreciate the sense of security which derives from being employed; if we never had a day of rain, we’d never appreciate a day of sunshine; if we never had anyone treating us wrong, we’d never recognize, or appreciate, a true friend when he or she comes along.
We can choose to look at our seemingly unfulfilled lives and experiences as a sentence we are forced to serve, but by doing so we only rob ourselves from the opportunity of being happy.
At times, changes are in order and can improve our lives, but often we simply need to make an honest assessment of how much we truly wish for things to be altered. We can begin by asking ourselves if our lives would be better or worse if we take a different turn.
When we look at the neighbor’s grass, and wish it was our own, we should also ask ourselves if we’d be happy and ready to commit to the daily amount of work required to keep it so green.

Star Light, Star Bright...

Have you ever wished for something so badly your whole body ached at the thought of it? I know I have, many times in the past.
Fourteen years ago, when I was trying desperately to have a baby, the thought of becoming a mother ruled my every waking moment; I hoped, prayed, read and wished, but every month my hopes were dashed. Then, one day I went to lunch in the cafeteria of the hotel I worked at, and Mabel, an old lady who worked in housekeeping, asked me why I looked so sad. When I told her, she smiled and said: “You just have to stop the wishing.”
That night I went home and thought about what Mabel had said. How could I stop the wishing? I wanted a baby more than life itself, and I couldn’t imagine thinking about anything else; it had been two years since I first started trying, and by now I had fused with the obsession of it.
About a month after that, I received a wonderful new job opportunity, so I got very excited and my thoughts focused on the new turn in my career. I even told myself that it was probably a good thing I hadn’t become pregnant yet, and for once my timing was maybe in order.
I started my new job and loved it; I loved the people I worked with, my sunlit office and the considerable increase in pay. A week later I found out I was pregnant.
When I first looked at the positive pregnancy test, I sat there dumbfound. Mabel’s words came rushing back to me, and I smiled, thinking she was right after all. I had stopped the wishing for a little while; by finding something else to focus my thoughts on, I had released the pent-up energy I had accumulated around my wish of becoming a mother.
By releasing the thoughts, all I had left was the true wish in the heart; by distancing myself from its unfolding, I had insured its success.
I thought about all the things I had wished for and let go of; the ones that truly meant something to me had come through in due time.
As a cake which won’t rise if one looks at it, so wishes stall when one obsesses about them. Holding on to dreams does not mean forfeiting the quality of present life in favor of remaining stuck in the quicksand of a wish. We can dream, and hope in our hearts our dreams will come true, still going through the motion of enjoying the good things of our daily lives.
What Mabel taught me was priceless, and even if I ever wanted to forget her words, they would always jump at me anytime I simply glimpse at my three wonderful children.

Our Mad Rush to Nowhere

While driving home from the City Cemetery, yesterday, I turned on the radio and scrolled through the stations to find a good tune; to my surprise, I found a Christmas song!
I am a Christmas enthusiast - and really get wrapped in the festivities - but that was a bit much, even for me. Tuning in to Christmas on the day after Halloween seems a bit of a mad rush; what about Thanksgiving?
That got me thinking about how much we rush through life; ready to jump on the next bus, eager to put the present in the past so we can focus on the future ahead. More times than not, we live in the wrong time zone. We either focus our thoughts on the past – and keep alive events that should by now merely be memories – or project ourselves in the future, as if the next event is secretly hiding the key of happiness we have longed for and not yet found.
We do this starting from very early on; as young tots we want to be big children, as children we long to be teenagers, as teenagers we wish to be adults. Once we make it to adulthood, we wish we could blink through the hard building years, so we can reach the point of being able to retire and enjoy the fruits of our labor, see our children grown, become grandparents.
We get so excited to discover what it will be like to live in the next stage, that we miss the wonderful opportunity of enjoying the stage we are in.
By making the future our present, our present becomes our past. The days we dismiss as uneventful - in favor of others which promise more excitement but might never even come - are days we will not get back.
It is time we slow down, and realize that life is a journey which should be taken slowly, step by step, not a speed race aimed at reaching the finish line.