Three Simple Words

“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” ~ Mahatma Gandhi


A few weeks ago, I was talking to a friend about the problems she had with her mother in the past. Knowing the mother, I could completely understand where she was coming from, yet one thing was as clear as spring water – even if her feelings were justified, my friend was not happy.

The discontent began when Sharon – the name is fictitious to protect her identity - was a small child; likely, it probably goes back even further, but her memories of times past only regress to a certain point, right around the time when she was about five years old.

Her mother was a victim of her own choices. After marrying young to escape abusive parents of her own, she had become pregnant with Sharon when she was only nineteen, and had almost immediately found herself trapped; with a much older and controlling husband, and a daughter to care for, the poor woman was stuck in a role she despised. She had dreams when she was young, and many times, when she finally laid her head down at night, she could shut out the world and live the life she wished she could have.

Her disappointment toward life turned into anger first and in control over her daughter’s life. Sharon had no choices; her mother made them all for her. That kind of smothering control triggered the opposite approach to parenting in Sharon. Terrified of growing into her mother, she had chosen to be a friend only and couldn’t bring herself to discipline her own daughter. As her daughter quickly began descending a vicious spiral of occasional drug use and bad company at sixteen years of age, her maternal instinct nudged her to take control of the situation, but her past experiences blocked her from taking charge. Indirectly, her mother was still controlling her. Sharon knew it was time to make some changes.

She felt like she hated her mother even more now, and she held her responsible for her own daughter’s poor choices. She ranted over the older woman’s mistakes almost two and a half decades earlier, and the first words out of her mouth were in regard of the fact that her mother had ruined her life first and she was now working on her granddaughter. That’s where I had to stop her – her mother, wrapped into her own anger, might have been abusive in the beginning, but now she was the one picking up where her mother had left off. It was time to let go of past resentments and focus on present problems.

Letting go was hard, as by letting go of the chokehold her mother had her in she felt she was condoning her actions. It never occurred to her that by forgiving her mother she was not letting the old lady off the hook, but she was allowing herself to finally be free from the influences of the past.

She finally did. About a week ago, she went to visit her mother and told her about the feelings she had fostered all these years. In return, her mother explained her own feelings toward her and asked to be forgiven. Sharon could not utter words of forgiveness, until her mother broke down and said: “Don’t make the same mistakes I made. I can’t change what happened when you were a little girl, but you can change what will happen to your daughter.”

Sharon went home and thought about the events of late. Her mother was right – no amount of anger, of resentment or justification could change the past, but maybe there was hope for the future. She picked up the phone and called her mother. “I forgive you,” she said, nothing else; then she hung up. Those three words suddenly lifted the weight she had carried on her back all her life, and removed the blinders from her own eyes. When her daughter got home that evening, she called her into the living room and they had a long talk. The daughter half-way listened and then got up to prepare to go out with her friends, but Sharon stopped her before she could walk out of the room. “Not tonight,” she said, “tonight you’re staying home.”

Sharon was free. Forgiving her mother didn’t make her accept her mother’s ways, but it gave her an edge to stop those behaviors from affecting her present life and her parental skills. Unknowingly, she had found the key to come into herself.

The Purpose of Anger

“The angry people are those who are most afraid.” ~ Dr. Robert Anthony


When I spoke with a friend, yesterday, she mentioned that if she could get rid of anger, her world would be perfect. After I hung up the phone, I gave her affirmation some thought. Indeed, anger is a powerful force, able to blind and push even the most leveled person toward the unthinkable. In classic literature, anger was one of the beasts Dante Alighieri met at the entrance of hell, and in modern times many have pictured anger as a dark manifestation of human nature which must be overpowered if one is to rise above earthly chains toward the light.

Superficial anger is easy to manage. All one needs to do is to take a deep breath, choose to remain calm in spite of occurrences, and find the time, sooner rather than later, to deal with the feelings. It is a little more difficult, however, to deal with old anger; not necessarily because we can’t suppress it, but mostly because we can’t identify its source.

Anger is not a disease, but it is a symptom, and it should not be ignored. Our minds let us know, in a powerful way, that some issues we have dealt with are still in need of resolution and closure. If we ignore the request, the wounded self is forced to employ stronger means in the desperate attempt to communicate with the conscious mind. If ignored again, anger turns inward, and it manifests into physical and emotional illness.

In the beginning of a crisis, anger is a powerful reservoir of energy, and it allows us to stay above the waters of self-pity. Once the crisis has passed, however, anger must be allowed to leave. If not released, it gets stored into a subconscious file and forgotten, but just because it is forgotten does not mean that it is deleted; when we least expect it, the file is opened, and what happened yesterday blends with the experiences of today.

Although the reasons that trigger anger can be countless, the root of most of them is fear – fear of being alone, of rejection, of poverty, of not being loved and accepted. When trying to “pull” and “delete” the anger files from the drawer, it helps if we can be honest with ourselves and push aside feelings of guilt. We might be angry because we feel constricted in our lifestyle, or because we feel we deserve more, or even because we feel victimized or not recognized for our talents; since early childhood we are taught that good boys and girls don’t complain and we must be happy with the little we receive, even if it doesn’t feel like enough. Being “greedy” and “ungrateful” triggers guilt; in return, guilt causes us to become angry at ourselves for not being good.

Anger should therefore be honored for its purpose, asked to come to the surface and felt in every cell of our being before we can send it on its way with gratitude. As for most other things, it is helpful if we try to fill the void caused by the removal of each anger file by planting something positive to ensure that the vacancy won’t be filled by more unwanted energy.

Anger is not our enemy, but rather it is a friend screaming to be acknowledged and heard.

A Project for the Holidays

Do you remember the snow monster in Christmas movies – the one that Santa was able to change from bad to good with a gift? I watched that movie last night with my children, and it made me think of how easy it is to reach out to others.

Among the people we know, there is always at least one snow monster. I, for one, have met a few; they put on a very strong front to intimidate others because they have been previously hurt, and feel the need to wear a spiked armor for protection. Deep down, they are sensitive and caring, vulnerable and afraid, but on the surface they come through as an ice storm, ready to attack the opponent with icy daggers.

In the movie, when Santa gives him the gift, the snow monster is surprised, and is unsure of what he should do. All he’s ever received, up to this point, are fear and anger – the only possible responses to his threatening, cold and heartless behavior. Suddenly, despite his tough appearance, someone is offering him a gift. The monster is at a loss; his chest deflates, his eyes open wider, and he humbly asks Santa what he should do from then on, since he has never learned to be good. His rough, scary appearance is gone, and is replaced by a gentle demeanor.

So, should we follow Santa’s example and give gifts to mean people? Maybe we should. They can be material gifts - if one feels so inclined - but what will truly “thaw” the snow monsters are things money can’t buy: a hug, a kind word, a bit of human warmth. They expect swords and arrows; an offer of unconditional love will slice through the rough peel and reach the soft core.

The response is quite amazing. At first, they might even get uglier, as the sweet words will burn a hole in the icy crust, and the “monsters” will feel suddenly vulnerable. They might remain speechless, as they have never prepared answers for a positive exchange, but at that point, the magic has begun; that one single, tiny seed of love will burrow in their hearts and grow, and may be the catalyst for incredible changes ahead.

We can make this a project for the holidays – that of thawing as many snow monsters as we can, and give them the chance to experience a Christmas miracle, maybe for the first time in their lives. As my grandmother once said: “The mightier and uglier they appear, the more they need to be loved. If you give out gifts, would you not want to hand them out to the real needy? Love is no different.”

Two Sides to One Coin (repost)

A few years ago I ran into a book I normally would not have considered reading. It was a biography of sorts, describing the life of a Holy man. What I thought was going to be a very boring read turned out to be a very illuminating work, which really gave me chewable food for thought.

In one of the chapters, the Holy man was visited, one day, by the town drunk; as everyone expected – being the infamous derelict that he was – the man walked in showing no respect, and began his verbal lashing in a very loud fashion. After spewing hateful words, and displaying an unwarranted angry behavior, the drunken man was about to turn on his heels and leave again. The Holy man smiled, thanked him for coming and told him to come back any time. At this juncture, all the believers in the room were puzzled, and asked the Holy man if he knew who the hateful fellow was. The Holy man only smiled, then whispered softly: “Yes, he is the most loving man I’ve ever met. He just hasn’t met that part of himself yet.”

Needless to say, this chapter had me thinking for days. Was the Holy man delusional? Was he so enshrouded in the light of Spirit that he couldn’t tell the difference between a spiritual being and a heavenly reject? Or was the Holy man so wise in his assessment that he could see something that was obviously eluding me?

I started watching angry people with different eyes, hoping to get a clear picture of what the wise man was talking about. What I saw the next several months knocked my socks off. Most of the angry people out there really were only lost to themselves, roaming around unhappily and hoping to connect somehow.

Anger is an emotion. To trigger anger one must be open to feelings. Most angry people are simply very sensitive people who are afraid and put up an intimidating shield to stop people from getting too close. Someone told me once that if you can feel one emotion you are already familiar with its opposite - the twin, the other side of the coin. The two are at odds with each other, and always present at the same time; if one can be triggered, so can the other.

I began to test the waters anytime I met anyone who appeared angry and despondent. I would argue with them a little, just to trigger the one side of emotions they were most comfortable and familiar with; once they became angry, I would switch my response and expose them to the twin feeling while they were riding the peak of the opposite wave. The results were astounding. Fire cannot be put out with more fire, but only with its opposite. Opposites defuse and neutralize one another, creating a new stage of play.

And for those who wonder whatever happened to the drunken man in the book, he went back to see the Holy man several times; with each visit, his anger diminished a bit more and he was able to open up and listen, rather than lash out at every word the teacher uttered. Soon, he became his most faithful follower, and remained with the Holy man until his teacher’s death many years later.

The Value of Conflict

“The greatest conflicts are not between two people but between one person and himself.” ~ Garth Brooks


Great things can come out of conflict, often starting on a personal level. When an event suddenly precipitates, wounds are exposed, giving the individual the opportunity to go through a process of self-cleansing aimed at preventing any additional festering. Conflict can, at times, be destructive, but we must keep in mind that if something is faulty, then we must knock the old structure down before we can rebuild a more solid one.

Generally speaking, salt sprinkled on healthy skin might, at worst, mildly irritate; but, if the same amount of salt is placed on an open wound, it will burn and cause quite a bit of discomfort until the wound is flushed.

Whenever we run into a person, or a situation, which causes excessive annoyance, before we allow emotions to take over and feed the exchange, we should sit back and ask ourselves why we are so irritated. Could it be, somehow, that whatever is causing us so much distress is merely exposing a sore spot within ourselves which we are not wiling to consider?

It is certainly easier to lash out at others for the faults we hide within ourselves, because the “punishment” we receive this way is one we endure by reflection and not by direct self-judgment which may be too harsh to bear. Something the person said touches on a weak point, and in some strange way, what they said unleashes an emotional charge already present inside of us from a past hurt. Once emotions start slipping through, we feel vulnerable, and we become angry; by lashing out we create a boomerang effect, and we are fed the negative energy we didn’t dare throwing at ourselves.

Strangely, we seem to attract into our lives people who mirror our own dark twin, and by dealing with them we learn how to deal with ourselves. Their connection to us might not be immediately apparent, but if one is honest and truly willing to look within, it won’t be long before the tie is identified.

We can’t erase conflict from our lives, but we can change the way we are affected by it if we can train ourselves to see it as a learning tool rather than a hindering block. Conflict on the way is like having a compact mirror with us at all times – we might not like what we see once we look at the reflection, but we now have a tool to begin our improvement.

In Plain Sight

“We are too busy mopping the floor to turn off the faucet.” ~ Author unknown


Early mornings at my house are easily the craziest moments of each day. With two boys - already groggy and irritable from getting up before dawn - having to get ready and out of the door before six-thirty, my house is, in the best of days, the proverbial zoo. Books are stuffed in school bags at the last minute, coats become invisible, and at least one of four shoes is always seemingly stolen by a hungry troll in the middle of the night.


Yesterday morning was one of those mornings. No matter how many sermons I preach the night before, rare is the day when everything is in place and ready to go. At six twenty-five, less than five minutes before the bus was ready to show up at the bus stop, my younger son announced that the shoe troll had visited again. The mad search against time began, and we spent the next few minutes running from room to room, our eyes robotically scanning all floor surfaces for a pair of white sneakers.


The kids searched downstairs and I covered the two floors upstairs, all the while tuning everything else out that wasn’t white or shaped like a shoe. By the time the two boys made it up the stairs to the third floor, I was fuming and darting my eyes from one end to the other of the floor like a mad woman. The moment Michael popped his head into the door, I turned my head and spat out that his shoes weren’t upstairs, venom dripping from the fangs I was about to sink into his not-so-innocent head.


Michael looked at me with big blue eyes, and as he passed me on the stairs he said: “Sure they are mom, they are right there.” I followed him up, and there they were – two big white sneakers sitting in perfect view on a shelf in the bonus room. How had I missed those big old white boats in the middle of an otherwise bold-colored room?


After the boys left and I was able to sit down with a cup of coffee, I thought back about the shoes. They were right in front of me, but I was so blinded by my own irritation and panic at the thought of not finding them on time, that I simply couldn’t see them.


Quite often, what we need is within reach, yet we fail to spot it because rather than focusing on the solution we focus on the problem. In this case, my energy was directed toward barking at the kids for not being organized, and by not seeing the shoes I validated my own irritation. Had I taken a deep breath and looked at the room in its entirety, I wouldn’t have missed them, but instead, I allowed my own perception of where shoes should normally be to dictate the scope of my search. The fact that I could use the repeat offense to make a point was definitely an added bonus.


If we could detach from the problem for just a moment, instead than clinging to it to validate or prove a point, we could fine tune our focus and direct it toward a possible solution.



There is no reason why we should look for hard ways to fix something simple.

All I Know is that Your Name is Mickey Mouse

"Life dies inside a person when there are no others willing to be-friend him. He thus gets filled with emptiness and a non-existent sense of self-worth.” ~ Mark R. J. Lavoie

Being fairly new to the cyber world, it has been quite interesting for me, this past year, to see how important some of the relationships forged online can become.
One of the things I have found most incredible is the way some people talk to others they meet online. Because of the benefit of anonymity – of the sender and receiver alike – harsh words are flung around and frustrations are set free, with not a moment spent thinking how those words affect the person they are directed to.

I originally thought the main reason was that people felt free to unleash their own anger without fear of public shame being attached to their real identity, but I also believe that many feel free to lash out and act childish because they don’t fully accept the fact that a live, breathing human being exists behind the screen name they attack. Online fighting becomes a game, an anonymous, interactive soap-opera we can be leading characters in. The assumption that everyone we virtually speak to lives a life similar to our own makes it easy to speak without thinking – after all, if one doesn’t like what’s being said, they can always turn the computer off and focus their attention elsewhere.

In a perfect world, it would make a lot of sense, but in true life each person lives a different reality, and there are people out there who have no other means to connect to others. The possibilities are endless – there are sick people who can’t leave their homes or even their bed, unemployed people who die inside at each rejection and go online to get their mind off their hardship, people in pain, people alone who don’t have the luxury of turning their computer off without being deafened by the echo of silence around them. To all these people, the internet is their rope and their hope, and even if their name is Daisy Duck or Green-eyed Monster, they feel and hurt, and rejoice just like anyone else.

So give this point a thought – if you are lucky enough to have friends, loved ones, a job to go to, transportation to get there, money to spend on silly things, and your health most of all, you have an extra reason to be kind to whomever you will encounter today, whether online or in real life. A little compassion and the right perspective go a long way, as what you have today could be gone tomorrow.
To those who are alone, those who need a kind word and feel the world has left them behind, I’d like to dedicate a video I watched just today.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ti9THr9-L5w

We may never meet in real life, and our paths may only virtually cross, but I do care, no matter who you are. There are no bad people, only bad situations that make them numb, so here is my wish for you today – I wish that in this moment you don’t feel completely alone as you fight your battle. I may just be a screen name but I believe you are a worthy human being. Even if your name is Mickey Mouse.

Anger - The Mask Of Inner Fear

“Fear is a dark room where negatives develop.” ~ Author unknown

Being afraid has often been considered a weakness, so many have come to hide fear and dress it as anger and self-righteousness, since aggression is labeled as an attribute of the strong.

A few days ago I was talking to a friend whose husband faces a long battle with cancer. Although she has asserted being preoccupied with his state of health on a few occasions, her mind is usually consumed by questions of a different nature, and spends her days wondering if he is faithful to her. When she is not directly entertaining thoughts of indiscretions, she is simply angry at everybody – her children, store attendants, perfect strangers.

Since she couldn’t come up with any “evidence” that would support her doubts, I asked her why she felt so sure that her husband was doing something wrong – from all I’ve ever seen and heard he is attentive and honest.

She tried to come up with an answer, but all her mind was able to concoct was easily explainable. She had no case, yet her anger was growing by the minute; just talking about it was causing her deep distress.

It occurred to me that maybe there was more to her seething anger than what she allowed to transpire, so we dug in a little further.

After a long conversation, she finally admitted that her anger is likely produced by her fear of losing her husband and by her inability to deal with losing control of the situation.

Since her mind does not allow her – for reasons to her unknown – to face her fear of death, internal filters conveniently changed the reason of future loss to something more controllable – infidelity.

None of these defense mechanisms were obvious to her, and she truly believed what her mind led her to think, even if she could not pinpoint the origin of her devastating anger. A possibility was that if she could confirm to herself that her husband was not true to her, then she would not be as impacted by the loss of him. Anger was the fuel to stay strong and anchored, and a shield to prevent the crumbling of her inner world.

Anger is most often a symptom of something else at play. Maybe we are angry - or we are dealing with people who seem angry without a good reason – but we are unable to identify the cause. We assume that we are angry or distraught because of the reasons supplied by the conscious mind, but if one digs deeper, it is easy to find that fear is often the underlying, motivating factor.

Fear is the mother of anger. By intimidating others, and making them fearful, we feel as if we can stay in charge and control situations that are slipping through our fingers and threaten us with loss.

Facing our fears is the first step to understanding the anger that blinds our judgment and weighs down our soul.

Giving Anger the Respect it Deserves

"You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist."~ Indira Gandhi

Among the plethora of emotions we juggle with on any given day, anger is the one that can indeed hold us back from reaching our potential.

We are often not entirely aware of how much anger we hold on to. Many things make us angry, and when we feel powerless to change them, our frustration drives us to feel even angrier.

We are taught since early childhood to keep our anger in check, to forgive and forget, and to let go. Yet, some things are not easy to let go of, and when someone tells is to ignore them we feel as if others are discounting the validity of our reactions.

In some cases, when the individual is not able to reestablish a good relationship with anger – and experiences guilt when honoring this feeling – the pent-up frustration simmers under the skin, and can easily erupt in an escalating pattern of violence.

It is okay to feel angry. What is not okay is to hold back our feelings without having an outlet and allow them to putrefy under the surface. If not released, anger leads to depression and illness. When we give ourselves permission to feel anger, we are able to honor the validity of our feelings and let the blocks go in a healthy way.

Several years ago, I read a book which suggested thinking about the very things that make us angry; when anger is finally able to rise, we should allow it to spread through every cell of our being and focus on feeling its effects without pushing it away. Once the feeling is fully summoned we should then tell ourselves that we honor our anger as a valid response to the situation that triggered it. Then we should tell ourselves – out loud – that it is time to let it go.

Feelings will not go away until properly acknowledged for the purpose they have served. Anger itself is, sometimes, the fuel necessary to cross through a difficult situation, and its task is an honorable one; thus, it should never be ignored – no feeling should.

It is often difficult to express our anger in our workplace or around people we care about, but never addressing the feelings that have built-up is a sure path toward creating resentment for the people that caused us to be angry. If, for any reason, we are not able to respectfully express our feelings to the person that caused us to feel angry – or to appropriately “feel” our anger in the environs we find ourselves in, we must “bookmark” the feeling, and address it later on when we can do so privately.

When we recognize our anger it loses its significance, and can be prevented from consuming us. Being able to address all of our feelings allows the power to move on from a difficult situation and create a better reality.

We wouldn’t want to forget being joyous – anger is only the other side of the same coin.

Fighting Fire With Fire

“We must not allow ourselves to become like the system we oppose.”~ Bishop Desmond Tutu

If you’ve ever run into someone that makes you angry or scared enough to retaliate, you are certainly not alone. On any given day, most of us are faced with situations and people that test our resolve to be peaceful, and taunt us to show our worst.

I’ve always found it really funny that even in cartoons humans are often depicted as having an angel and a devil near them, each sitting on respective shoulders, forever fighting for predominance - if the little devil wins, the person gives in to lower instincts and fights back; if the little angel has the last word, a peaceful solution is attained.

Good and evil coexist within all of us, regardless of the fact that many try to convince themselves they are only ruled by one side or the other – each of us is capable of killing, stealing, lying, and betraying, and all of us are able to love, tolerate and forgive. Whether one person will decide to follow one path or another usually depends on the combined influence of nature and nurture. One path is chosen, while the other remains dormant until the next decision around the bend.

Because of the fact that at any junction everyone is able to uniquely choose, it is possible for a good person to commit bad deeds, and for a bad person to make “good” choices. Because of the dual nature of all things, everything in the Universe can be changed if repeatedly exposed with reason to the opposing current.

But who’s truly “bad” or “good”? What we have been taught to consider bad may not appear as such to someone who’s been taught a different reality, or has come to believe differently in accordance to personal experiences.

No person ever consciously believes they are “bad” or wrong – if they did, they would change their ways. If someone considers another person to be acting wrong, and reacts to them in the very same fashion they condemn, they have done nothing else but fortify their opponent.

Each of us can be steered both ways – if we truly wish to change something or someone, we need to try heading our boat in the opposite direction and hope they will follow. If they don’t, we must accept that some situations, and the fate of some people, are out of our control. We can’t force others to see through our perception. All we can do is follow our own path and be concerned with our own destiny, taking charge of the decisions that affect us directly while still keeping in mind that we are not necessarily right just because we believe we are. Perception doesn’t always reflect reality, but only shows one of the many facets of it.

We can dispel shadows by turning on the light. Hanging in the dark with the people we are trying to change will only cause both of us to blindly run into each other and ultimately get hurt. We shouldn’t become what we are fighting against.

The Dog and The Old Man

“The golden moments in the stream of life rush past us and we see nothing but sand; the angels come to visit us, and we only know them when they are gone.” ~ George Elliot


I would like to share a story that my mother-in-law sent me today. The story is told by a young lady whose father struggles with personal anger after he can no longer work as a lumberjack because of health issues. After suffering a heart attack, he is invited to live with his daughter and her husband, but as days go by, tension begins to rise. The father is resentful of his declining health and lashes out at everyone.

The young woman prays for a resolution, but for months God is silent. Finally, she decides to call several clinics hoping to find some advice. During one of those calls, a friendly lady tells her about an article she has read about people with the same symptoms greatly benefiting from caring for a pet.

She drives to the local shelter to look for a dog, but none seem right for her father. Then, she spots a pointer in the last pen. Years have etched his face and muzzle with shades of gray; his hipbones jut out in lopsided triangles, but his eyes are calm and clear. She asks the attendant about the dog and is told that he just showed up near the shelter two weeks before.

When she gets home, she shows her father the dog she got for him, but he replies angrily that he doesn’t want a pet, and definitely not one so old and frail. Tension rises, and father and daughter face each other down as if preparing to duel. Just then, the dog walks up to the old man, sits in front of him, and raises his paw to touch the man’s leg. Time stands still. The old man continues to look at the dog who just sits there calmly, his paw still raised. He finally kneels down and takes the dog’s paw in his hand. From that day on they are inseparable. Within the course of a few months, all the anger, frustration and tension wash away, as the old man and his dog become more closely connected.

One night, the dog walks into the young lady’s room, whimpering. Considering the fact quite strange, she rushes to her father’s room. She finds him in his bed, his face peacefully relaxed and at ease in his final sleep. The dog raises his paw and touches him for one last time.

It’s not until the dog has passed away - and she reminisces about her father’s last few months - that the young lady realizes something important. She had prayed for her father to find peace, and had thought her prayers had gone unanswered. Yet they hadn’t. The girl on the phone and the dog were angels she hadn’t recognized. At the time, everything had seemed coincidental but none of it was – the woman, the article, and the dog that had mysteriously appeared at the shelter out of nowhere.

Prayers often seem to go unanswered because they don’t manifest as we imagined. We expect a result which will pacify our wants, because we are not aware of our true needs. Sometimes the path to our greater good is an uncharted one, yet if we follow it with faith it will lead us where we need to go.

Stifling the Fire

Many go through life angry at something or someone, captive of a fire which rises undaunted through the cooling chambers of rationality eating away all that is pleasant and peaceful in their world.
In itself, anger is an irrational emotion; it literally takes over the individual and morphs the old self into a different person. If we really take a good look at an angry person objectively, all we see is someone deeply fearful.
We like to picture an angry person as a monster, someone we need to fight, but anger is, in reality, just an impressive and intimidating mask hiding a deeply embedded fear. A person who’s afraid of being alone will get angry at her partner for being late because she is afraid her partner is no longer interested in her company; the religious or political radical who goes around spewing righteous judgment and hatred against those who don’t agree with his views is nothing more than a fearful man who doubts his own beliefs, and needs people to agree with him to reconfirm those beliefs to himself.
So, should we condone others lashing out at us, simply because we understand they are victims of their own fears? Certainly not, but understanding that someone is angry in response to their own shortcomings, weaknesses, fears and doubts is an important tool to realize that we shouldn’t feel responsible for their outbursts. We can reassure them once, but apologizing for their twisted perception only enables the drama and allows it to thrive.
Two of the first weapons angry people use are guilt and shame; they dig deep, hoping to get a reaction which will justify their irrational position, and will go to great lengths to trigger the same emotion in their opponent. If their efforts don’t bear fruit – as we don’t allow the skin of our emotional response to break – their fire will simply mirror back to them, bringing the heat such an unbearable level that it will have to defuse itself rapidly in the name of self-preservation.
After all, others can throw the ball; whether we choose to catch it, and play the game, is ultimately up to us.

Watering Weeds

The tie between water and emotions is found in many spiritual traditions. In Yoruba belief, for example, the Orisha of love – known as Erzulie or Oshun depending on geographical variations – is associated to the flowing sweet waters of rivers, streams and lakes. Her sister Yemaya, the goddess of the salty waters of the ocean, is associated with motherhood and nurturing. In the Catholic faith, several Saints are also associated with water and healing.
If one thinks of it, the analogy between water and emotions proves to be quite remarkable. Water is the most important nourishment our body craves; deep emotions and nurturing are the main sustainers our minds crave in the quest to feeling whole.
A plant will stop thriving when not watered properly - and will eventually perish altogether if deprived entirely of moisture. Similarly, unwanted situations will begin to falter if we avoid “feeding” them with emotional responses. By allowing ourselves to open the flow of our emotions toward the things that we wish were not occurring we are in fact facilitating their existence and enabling their growth.
When someone experiences an internal void - and is unable to fill the emptiness with self love - they will often create a drama play aimed at triggering an emotional response in others; once the fire of emotions has been sparked, they will continue to replay the act, adding more details from time to time to ensure the audience remains captivated.
Quite often, once we interrupt someone’s drama by actively choosing to stop feeding it, the person directing the play will stop and regroup; they might choose to go elsewhere looking for their fix, or they might realize that they need to direct their attention inward, rather than outward. If anything, our personal energy will no longer be the unwilling victim of emotional greed and desperate hunger.
We can’t control the actions of others, but we can certainly choose how those actions will affect our very existence. After all, true power is not in stopping events from unfolding, but in deciding how those events will affect our lives and the choices we make for ourselves.

The Shadow Twin

Have you ever wondered how many personas live inside the mind of others you encounter? Can you say that the people you know are exactly who you think they are, or is there a possibility that many of them have other faces you have never encountered?
Criminal psychology shows that most sociopaths have multiple alter-egos; those who have had the opportunity to meet infamous serial killers such as Ted Bundy describe them as charming, socially brilliant, and seemingly abiding to societal rules.
It is quite hard to comprehend that a wonderful person and a monster can live within the same bodily confines; yet, it happens all the time. Writers and film producers have exploited this intriguing symbiosis through the symbolism of werewolves and vampires; the most successful attempt at explaining this phenomenon was achieved with the production of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
Although similar to developing multiple personalities as a defense mechanism, the Jekyll/Hyde syndrome is quite different. Individuals do not form extra personalities to absorb the blunt of painful experiences happening at that moment in their lives; rather, they are taught to be nice and socially apt, but feel entirely inadequate and alone. Thus, while maintaining a pleasant face in the eyes of society, they feel the periodical need to take the mask down and lash anger out.
Because these individuals feel like nobody can truly love their shadow-selves, they take extra care in polishing their social skills, and only vent their frustration and pain toward people they have no connections with, simply because that’s a viable way to be the person they are without being exposed. They thrive on negative attention, and get their fix out of triggering fear and anger in their targets. They tend a trap and wait for the target to fall, enjoying all along the extra energy that is being fed in their direction.
The human mind is a puzzle which science has only begun to identify the pieces of. We all have a shadow side we were taught to suppress; in some, it is more extreme than others, but if we could glimpse at the brains of those surrounding us we would probably be constantly surprised by the actual thoughts rushing through their minds.
What about you? Who is your shadow twin?