Living One Life at a Time - A Reflection Upon Allowing Others to Make their Own Mistakes

“Letting go doesn't mean we don't care. Letting go doesn't mean we shut down. Letting go means we stop trying to force outcomes and make people behave. It means we give up resistance to the way things are, for the moment. It means we stop trying to do the impossible--controlling that which we cannot--and instead, focus on what is possible--which usually means taking care of ourselves. And we do this in gentleness, kindness,
and love, as much as possible.” ~ Melody Beattie


I read a wonderful article on the News & Observer yesterday, in which a mother described how hard it had been for her to allow her children to work on their projects without becoming involved, even if it meant that the projects turned out far from perfect.

Their journey began a few years before, when they joined a series of free kids workshops offered by Home Depot. After the first workshop, the mother was not too sure things had gone as well as she had hoped – little fingers were smashed, the bird house the kids had built was falling apart, and clothes were ruined by wood glue – yet, as time passed, the kids learned important skills.

The hardest thing during the workshops, the mother explained, was to sit back and watch the kids make mistakes without intervening; the greatest lesson, she realized, had been her own – it didn’t matter if the projects weren’t perfect; what mattered was that the children were learning how to read instructions and use tools more efficiently. Mom’s input was not needed.

Allowing others to make their own mistakes is probably one of the greatest challenges we can ever face. Especially in the case of people we love, we wish we could live their lives for them when we feel they are not doing a good job of it on their own, so that we could “fix” their mistakes and help them live a happier existence.

Each of us has a different path to follow, which is not always for others to understand. Even if all we find at the end of the path we chose is misery, we have the right to make those mistakes and learn from them.

Letting go of the control we wish to have on the lives of others is, in many ways, synonymous of letting go of judgment. We can’t expect to understand the many reasons behind the choices others make, just as we can’t truly know what is best for them; all we can do is accept their choices as their own right, and move on with our own lives. We can only live one life at a time – ours or other people’s.

We can’t control the way someone else feels or acts, but we do have ownership on whether we allow their choices to affect our immediate world. By focusing less on what others do, and more on what we choose for ourselves, we can grow in ways we didn’t think possible, and the weight we carry for them is suddenly lifted.

We can’t change others, but we can change ourselves. And by letting others follow their own destiny we might be pleasantly surprised in the end.

The Wake-Up List

“Some people are always grumbling because roses have thorns; I am thankful that thorns have roses.” ~Alphonse Karr

Many of us begin the New Year by making resolutions. By February, the majorities of those goals – even the modest ones we thought we could keep up with – slip slowly away, and the patterns of old habits sneak back into their familiar place in our lives.

Very often the problem lies in the fact that we set goals for ourselves that are too hard to maintain. With little concrete support and a myriad of daily demands, the lure of a fresh new starts wears quickly out.

True life makeovers are not impossible, but a few steps need to be respected. Victoria Moran, author of “Living a Charmed Life: Your Guide to Finding Magic in Every Moment and Meaning in Every Day” suggests that we should list ten things for which we are grateful before we get out of bed each morning.

The items on the list don’t have to be big things – I’m grateful for my cat sleeping on my chest; I’m grateful for having dinner left over so I won’t have to cook again tonight; I’m grateful that my coffee is brewing downstairs. The list can indeed be endless and as creative as one wants to make it.

Very often, in fact, we demand a radical change when many things in our lives work well as they are. Acknowledging, and being thankful for, what already is good in our lives allows us to start our day with a feeling that there are positive things in our world we can build from.

It is also important to take quiet time in the mornings to devote a few minutes to meditation and prayer. One doesn’t have to be religious to meditate and enjoy a few minutes of silence. By doing so, the mind will have the opportunity to ease into the new day rather than being tossed mercilessly into instant chaos.

I personally discovered, several years ago, that if I had any intention of beginning my day on a positive note, I had to make time to honor myself and my thoughts. That said, some mornings I could dedicate a few extra moments to it than other days, but ultimately, I could always find five minutes. We often look for excuses that will allow us to slack off, but if we truly are determined to make changes in our lives, we will find the extra time.

These are small steps, but are indeed important ones to take if we ever hope to improve our realities and create a healthier living approach. Even the fastest runners had to learn in the beginning how to place one foot in front of the other.